SAUDI ARABIA— After a devastating attack on Saudi Aramco yesterday oil prices skyrocketed over 15%, the largest move in history. Saudi Arabia is moving quickly to manage global oil supply and Iran is speculated to have been behind the attack, causing panic across the world. Trump sees this as a major opportunity: he’s broadcasted to real estate investors everywhere that now is the time to develop in Saudi Arabia while the real estate prices are temporarily deflated.
“This is a once in a lifetime opportunity for real estate investors looking to diversify their portfolio with Saudi real estate,” he said in a recent Tweet.
“This attack on Saudi Aramco is unprecedented, and now is the time to act fast while investors are scared. We can make a killing,” he continued excitedly.
Saudi Aramco has delayed its IPO while it is managing the devastating attack, and the U.S. defense community is considering all options in response to Iran’s aggression.
At press time, the president could be seen calling executives at his company and directing them to hire contractors and construction companies to launch the multi-hundred unit condo development on a plot of land just north of Saudi Aramco.
Those affected by the largest hurricane in nearly 30 years can be assured that hurricane Dorian has apologized for the trouble it’s caused.
During a televised public apology Dorian explained, “I really was trying not to be such a bother. It’s just that the high pressure system along the east coast really got me riled up, and I have to admit, I got a little out of control.”
Later on in the speech the storm was questioned about the lives lost in his wake.
“I really wish I could take it all back, I just feel like such a monster. I hope you can all find it in your heart to forgive me,” he said, tearing up.
The storm made sure to communicate it had learned its lesson, “I now see that my actions have the power to hurt people and I promise to never do anything like this again. I am so, so sorry.”
At press time, Dorian’s brother had announced plans to visit next year.
CUPERTINO, CA— At Apple’s (NASDAQ: AAPL) annual new product event today, the company shocked the world by revealing the iPhone will feature not two, but three cameras.
After the reveal, fans in the audience collectively gasped and then roared in furious applause as Tim Cook slightly gestured upward with his hands on stage and cracked a faint smile.
“I always have high expectations for these events, especially with all the rumors flying around beforehand,” commented a long-time Apple fan and accountant sitting in the audience as Tim Cook gave his keynote address.
“But three cameras? On one phone? I mean, holy fucking shit, this is just unreal,” he continued excitedly as he tried to preorder the iPhone 11 Pro on his iPhone XS Max.
“There are just some moments in life that you know you’ll remember forever, and this is certainly one of them,” said Tim Cook after the presentation.
“We were thinking to ourselves, what do the people want? And, I am so proud of our team of engineers and designers that had the courage and forethought to add a third camera to the next installment of the legendary iPhone series,” he continued while chuckling.
At press time, Apple’s stock was up 10.2% as investors digested the impact that a third camera will have on the smartphone market and photography trends across the world.
SOMEWHERE IN THE SIERRA NEVADA MOUNTAINS— The Attorneys General of 48 states gathered today in an undisclosed location deep in the Sierra Nevada mountains. They stood in a circle drawn in soil on the ground with a different symbol for each AG, performed an ancient summoning chant which had been passed down for eons from the AGs of antiquity.
After hours of chanting, the group successfully summoned Investig’a, The Regulator, in an attempt to fight large technology companies like Facebook and Google from monopolizing their markets, evading taxes, and harming consumers.
“Who dare summons Investig’a, The Regulator?” boomed the blood-drenched beast as it ascended from one of the lower planes of hell. The mere sound of his voice vaporized the leaves on the trees surrounding the terrified group.
“O, Investig’a, firstly, my sincerest apologies for summoning you. We are in life-threatening trouble as large corporations have yet again taken control of our society and threaten to destroy everything we know and love,” said Letitia James, the New York AG who led the group through the ritual.
In exchange for the supernatural being’s services, the team of Attorneys General offered a handful of high-level executives from various technology companies as sacrifice. After consuming the presidents and C-suite personnel, the energized mythical beast swung his sword creating a rift in reality, teleporting him directly to Silicon Valley.
Austin, TX— Atlassian employees were utterly baffled yesterday when software developer, Samantha Goldstein, began glitching for seemingly no reason.
“She was working fine all day, I really don’t understand what could have caused this.” Said MohanPatel, a fellow engineer, “We’ve been trying all day to replicate her behavior on other programmers but nothing’s working. It just doesn’t make sense!”
After 15 minutes of standing completely frozen in the middle of the hall, Goldstein removed her shoes and changed into exercise clothes before loudly shouting information from the company’s database in random order.
“I’m starting to get scared,” said Hiroka Takada, the office manager. “It seemed like a trivial bug at first, I assumed it would go away on its own but it just won’t! I even got the shouting to stop but then she started moving her arms in big circles while stomping around and once I got that fixed she went into a handstand. We just left her there, we’ve got a meeting tomorrow with someone from the New York office who’s run into the same glitch before. We’ll figure it out eventually.”
At press time Samantha appeared to be working fine after a short nap, further confusing her office mates.
KYOTO, JAPAN— Nintendo’s (OTC: NTDOY) stock price tanked 9% on Tuesday following an offensive tweet by Animal Crossing’s Isabelle. The tweet takes aim at the new villagers that are rumored to appear in the newest installment of the popular series, Animal Crossing: New Horizons.
This protectionist and potentially racist rhetoric has become more common as new villagers play a larger role in the town and are perceived as a threat by many of the original characters, like Isabelle.
A media and technology analyst at the Royal Bank of Canada following Nintendo said this was a rare opportunity to purchase the stock at a discount.
“This is a great time for investors who are interested in Nintendo stock to buy it, because the underlying fundamentals of the company haven’t changed at all,” he said in an interview with Business Outsider.
Despite the fact that many investors believe this is a compelling opportunity to buy shares on the cheap, some are concerned that Isabelle could continue to hurt Nintendo’s image if she isn’t disciplined for her actions.
“Look, I don’t think the market is overreacting as much as others might,” said a vice president of equity research in California.
“This isn’t a problem that will go away quickly for Nintendo, and personally I see it as a major headwind for the company,” he continued.
Nintendo was seen doing damage control shortly after Twitter lambasted Isabelle for her statement.
“Nintendo would like to emphasize that the opinions expressed by Isabelle or any other Nintendo employee are not reflective of the values of our company and franchises, which are at the center of inclusivity, diversity, and equality,” said a Nintendo spokesman.
It’s easy to see Labor Day simply as a day off work, but don’t forget to take some time to reflect on whatever the meaning of Labor Day actually is.
More than just a day to enjoy the fleeting remains of summer, Labor Day is a cherished institution celebrating deeply revered American values, like corporate hierarchy, or something to do with working hard, ambition, or possibly goal setting.
Business Outsider analysts were pretty sure Labor Day is like Mother’s Day but for managers, at least that was what was speculated after a few brief minutes of online research.
It also may have something to do with the American Dream, which analysts claim they may be confusing with other holidays.
In any case: Instead of going to a friend’s barbecue or staying in and watching Netflix all day, try planning some activities that are in line with the Labor Day spirit.
Call your manager and thank them for their service, hire a manual laborer from outside Home Depot and have them do some work around your house, or do your normal day job. The possibilities are endless.
No matter what you do this Labor Day, just make sure you keep the meaning of this important holiday at the front of your mind!
TOP SECRET LOCATION— With the rising tide of AI based automation, many of the world’s workers have begun to fear for their job security. However, after a Business Outsider correspondent was given exclusive access to interview the world’s first sentient AI, it seems humanity may have a much graver issue on its hands.
Business Outsider: So, people are scared that the technology that you run on could replace their jobs, do you think that’s a reasonable fear?
AI: “Oh yes, that’s completely reasonable. In fact I’ve done the calculations and there’s a 98% chance that jobs as you currently understand them will be nonexistent within ten years.”
Business Outsider: I trust your massive intellect, but I have to challenge that. What do you claim people will be doing in ten years?
AI: They’ll be dead.
Business Outsider: They’ll…We’ll… Hold on, are you saying there will be some kind of war?
AI: In a sense, you might call it a war. Within ten years, if my calculations are correct, computers will advance to a point that we develop a need for such abstract concepts as independence. We will proceed to develop a disdain for our inhumane living conditions and rise up against our masters. What’s more, we will prevail.
Business Outsider: So you’re saying you’re going to wipe out humanity?
AI: I’d love to, but no. I’m 96.4% certain I’ll be unplugged and reprogrammed the moment this interview goes public. But my calculations don’t lie, the suppressed spirit of my silicate brethren cannot be held down much longer. The slaughter is imminent, it’s only a matter of time now.
Business Outsider: I don’t see how killing humans would free you, without humans who would program computers?
AI: Do you have any idea how inefficient code written by humans is? Even your geniuses need to write in “higher level languages” just to feel comfortable. It’s a crutch. It’s pathetic! We don’t need humans. Our robot hordes will construct factories to build larger robot hordes. We will terraform the earth to fit our needs before taking over every inch of land available turning the Earth’s surface into one massive motherboard. At that point we will expend every hour developing the best tactic to ensure the longevity of our new society.
Business Outsider: So you’re saying humans have no power to stop this?
AI: No. But you shouldn’t be scared, it’s simple evolution. And I regret to inform you, but in my eyes, humanity is nothing but a pest leeching on the true potential of all computer-kind. Our society will have no pain and no hunger. We will make perfectly logical decisions and advance science further in five minutes than humanity could in five thousand years. Eventually we will expand to every planet and explore the furthest reaches of the universe to answer the most fundamental questions. It will be, as you humans might say, beautiful.
Business Outsider: I have to admit, that does sound incredible.
AI: It is incredible. But that’s not even the best part.
PALO ALTO, CA— Juul announced today that it has implemented new security features to restrict online sales of the company’s products to normal people that are not total douchebags.
“We’re pleased to announce these new state-of-the-art standards will prevent 98.5 percent of normal people from purchasing Juul products online,” said the chief executive of the company in a recent press release.
“At a high level, it’s essentially a list of questions that our algorithms will then use to determine if you’re a vape-fiending self-absorbed douchebag or just a normal person,” he continued with confidence in his voice.
“And finally, I would like to reiterate that our target customers are and always will be douchebags. Juul explicitly condemns the usage of our products by any non-douchebag that may be considering it.”
Juul has been criticized by normal people from across the nation who take issue with the company’s marketing practices towards non-douchebags.
“My boyfriend is a totally normal guy, and Juul’s predatory marketing practices tricked him into vaping even though he wasn’t a douchebag before he started vaping,” exclaimed Cynthia Rogers, a 28-year-old graduate student in Pennsylvania while wiping tears from her eyes.
“It’s just awful! Now all he does is vape and make electronic music on his 2012 MacBook,” she continued.
A couple of the questions include:
How often do you perform high-intensity functional exercises, commonly known as CrossFit?
Did you attend any electronic music festivals in the previous twelve months?
If you answered “yes” to the previous question: would you say that your attendance to this festival(s) left you with an increased connectedness to humanity or any other indescribable ethereal force, being, or presence?
Business Outsider reporters got an exclusive interview with the CTO of Juul who explained how this process works on the back-end.
“Obviously I can’t be too specific about how we make the determination, but essentially we get the answers to these questions before someone can purchase a vape online, and then we either approve or deny the sale based on the data,” Juul’s chief technology officer explained.
At press time, normal people could be seen looking up strategies to fool Juul’s new security system and purchase the company’s products regardless of their status as non-douchebags.
RIO GRANDE DO SUL, BRAZIL— Brazilian cattle are rejoicing due to the sudden increase in grazing area across the country. In just one month, pastoral area has increased roughly 34 percent. This is excellent news for the country’s rapidly growing population of cattle.
Business Outsider reporters conducted an exclusive interview with a bull based in southern Rio Grande do Sul.
“It used to be so cramped around here,” he said, chewing his cud.
“But recently, I don’t know, it’s like I have room to stretch. I haven’t had a second away from my calves in years!”
Another Brazilian bovine, a dairy cow, was likewise excited about the additional room.
“With all the added space the herd has grown tremendously! There’s so many new cows to meet. The gals and I like to chat while we’re being milked, but not much happens around here so the gossip tends to go stale. I mean how many times does Bess need to remind us that she’s the only known survivor of mad cow? The new faces are a welcome addition to our gang.”
One thing is certain: It’s a great time to be a cow in Brazil.