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Republicans Agree To Stimulus Bill Giving $2,000 To All Americans On Santa’s Nice List

Republicans Agree To Stimulus Bill Giving $2,000 To All Americans On Santa’s Nice List

THE WHITE HOUSE—Senate Republicans Thursday agreed to a modified version of the $900B stimulus package which would limit the Americans that would receive checks to …

FDA Approves Emergency Distribution Of Baby Yoda Squishmallows

FDA Approves Emergency Distribution Of Baby Yoda Squishmallows

WASHINGTON—A government advisory panel approved the distribution of long-anticipated Baby Yoda Squishmallows Thursday. This long awaited approval will help to ensure that every American will …

Chick-fil-A Launches The ‘White-Sauce Merry-Go-Round’ At Select Locations

Chick-fil-A Launches The ‘White-Sauce Merry-Go-Round’ At Select Locations

When asked why they are willing to wait in line for hours, customers of Chick-fil-A inevitably mention the variety of sensual sauces. Now behold a …

Hedge Fund Analyst Flies Bonus Checks In From Offshore Banks To Celebrate 30th Birthday Party

Hedge Fund Analyst Flies Bonus Checks In From Offshore Banks To Celebrate 30th Birthday Party

Rising hedge fund star Parker Owen was surprised Saturday when he discovered that five of his favorite bonus checks had been flown in from various …

Chevron Pledges To Go Carbon Neutral By 3030

Chevron Pledges To Go Carbon Neutral By 3030

Chevron CEO Michael Wirth surprised investors yesterday with the announcement that Chevron will go completely carbon neutral by 3030.  “We here at Chevron have made …

Buy This Entrepreneur’s Disruptive Book Or He’ll Kill My Family

Buy This Entrepreneur’s Disruptive Book Or He’ll Kill My Family

LOCATION REDACTED—I was forced into a conversation with world-renowned entrepreneur, venture capitalist, and multi-billionaire Larry Gallotrocelopopolous to discuss his highly anticipated motivational memoir entitled Winning The …

Zoom Rolls Out Virtual Foregrounds for Unphotogenic Users

Zoom Rolls Out Virtual Foregrounds for Unphotogenic Users

SAN JOSE, CA—Shares in video conferencing powerhouse Zoom (NASDAQ: ZM) soared today after a software update introduced new features for optimizing users’ aesthetic experience. Zoom …

Virgin Hyperloop Car Obliterates Mountain Lion Caught In Tube

Virgin Hyperloop Car Obliterates Mountain Lion Caught In Tube

LAS VEGAS, NV—A leaked video surfaced this week of a Virgin Hyperloop car vaporizing a Nevada mountain lion during a record-breaking speed test. For months, …

FBI Hires Corporate Marketing Veteran To Email Missing Persons In Hopes Of Finding Them Well

FBI Hires Corporate Marketing Veteran To Email Missing Persons In Hopes Of Finding Them Well

In an internal memo shared exclusively with Business Outsider, FBI director Thomas Henderson revealed that the FBI will be adopting email as a primary tactic …

Tony Robbins Holds Motivational Seminar Within His Own Cavernous Jaw

Tony Robbins Holds Motivational Seminar Within His Own Cavernous Jaw

TONY ROBBIN’S MOUTH, CA—Thousands piled into the gaping maw of entrepreneur and motivational speaker Tony Robbins Friday to attend the “Taste the Power Within” weekend …

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