Jealous of Coronavirus’ Media Coverage, Elon Musk Sends Yet Another Tesla to Space

PASADENA, CALIFORNIA— With the Coronavirus (COVID-19) virus grinding the global economy to a screeching halt and threatening to infect and kill millions across the world, Elon Musk has grown increasingly jealous of the disease’s vice grip on the media in recent weeks. Ever the showman, Musk has directed his company SpaceX to launch another Tesla into space in an effort to redirect the media’s attention … Continue reading Jealous of Coronavirus’ Media Coverage, Elon Musk Sends Yet Another Tesla to Space

Twitter CEO Reaffirms More Ads Will Not Degrade Experience Of Reading Your Uncle’s Xenophobic Tirades

SAN FRANCISCO, CA— Twitter’s (NYSE: TWTR) stock plummeted by over 20% yesterday after a disastrous earnings report, following a slowdown in revenue growth and issues with user engagement with ads on the platform. “We want to make it crystal clear to our stakeholders, customers, and investors that despite changes to ads on the platform, you will still be able to conveniently read and become disgusted … Continue reading Twitter CEO Reaffirms More Ads Will Not Degrade Experience Of Reading Your Uncle’s Xenophobic Tirades

Desperate WeWork Employees Set Remaining Cash On Fire To Stay Warm

NEW YORK, NEW YORK— Amidst a whirlwind of layoffs, the ejection of CEO Adam Neumann, and a last-minute bailout by SoftBank, WeWork’s remaining employees have decided to douse millions of dollars in gasoline and light it ablaze to stay warm during the workweek. “Our building is so cold in the fall season, and the city shut off our power after we stopped paying the utility … Continue reading Desperate WeWork Employees Set Remaining Cash On Fire To Stay Warm

Boeing Silenced Warning Messages From Test Pilots: “This Thing Could Totally Crash”

CHICAGO, IL— In a startling development, the FAA has accused Boeing (NYSE: BA) of silencing comments from its own test pilots about the safety of the now infamous 737 Max airplane, which caused two fatal crashes in under a year’s time. “Yeah, this baby could totally crash right into the ground,” said an anonymous test pilot over email. “You wouldn’t even have to try that … Continue reading Boeing Silenced Warning Messages From Test Pilots: “This Thing Could Totally Crash”

These Companies Are Hiring Like Crazy (Not You) In 2019

There are dozens of hot companies that are hiring hundreds of new employees in 2019, and qualified professionals (definitely not you) should keep them on their radar for the future. The companies below are ready to hire at a moments notice, so don’t let these jobs slip away from your more successful peers! Facebook First up is the Silicon Valley beast: Facebook. Business Outsider analysts … Continue reading These Companies Are Hiring Like Crazy (Not You) In 2019

In Leaked Audio, Mark Zuckerberg’s CPU Plays Off Question About Brain-Computer Interface Research

MENLO PARK, CA- In a recent interview with Business Outsider, Facebook chief executive Mark Zuckerberg’s central processing unit played off a pointed question about the company’s research in brain-computer interfaces. Many academics and politicians have criticized the company for researching and potentially commercializing the human brain, but Facebook has declined to discuss or provide any details on the nature of the research. “We continue to … Continue reading In Leaked Audio, Mark Zuckerberg’s CPU Plays Off Question About Brain-Computer Interface Research

A New Type Of Microdosing: Palo Alto Kindergarten Teacher Praised For Innovative Teaching Method

Palo Alto, CA — This year, a new class of incoming kindergarten students at a Palo Alto School was gifted with a new kind of curriculum. Lisa Jenkins, 25, started her first year of teaching right with a psychedelic lesson plan, literally, and teachers throughout the San Francisco Bay Area are praising her for her innovative techniques. This new method of microdosing is coined by … Continue reading A New Type Of Microdosing: Palo Alto Kindergarten Teacher Praised For Innovative Teaching Method

Netflix Maintains Illusion Of Entertainment Through Mass Hypnosis

As the entertainment industry completes its pivot to a streaming model, Netflix has kept its competitive edge by lulling users into a false sense of entertainment using cutting-edge psychological manipulation. “It’s a very interesting phenomenon they’ve discovered,” said UCLA professor of psychology, Kim Starret. “In fact, if you’ve ever had the feeling that there’s nothing to watch on Netflix, you’re actually completely correct. In reality, … Continue reading Netflix Maintains Illusion Of Entertainment Through Mass Hypnosis

Hackathon Winner Dragged Away By NSA Agents, Laptop Confiscated

SAN JOSE, CA— After an intense weekend of coding, a 26-year-old software developer participating in an annual Hackathon event was knocked unconscious by agents from the National Security Agency and quickly dragged into an unmarked van idling outside of the conference. His laptop, which was decorated with worn-out stickers of his favorite companies and brands, was placed into a plastic bag by another agent wearing … Continue reading Hackathon Winner Dragged Away By NSA Agents, Laptop Confiscated

Man Receives Third Rejection From Job He Applied For Two Years Prior

SEATTLE, WA— Excited to see an email from Facebook, an unemployed Seattle-based software engineer opened the “updates” tab on his email client to find a message titled: “Re: Updated On Your Application For Software Engineer II at Facebook”. Recalling that this was a role he had already been rejected for twice, his mind started to race about the possibility of the team at Facebook reconsidering … Continue reading Man Receives Third Rejection From Job He Applied For Two Years Prior