Twitter CEO Reaffirms More Ads Will Not Degrade Experience Of Reading Your Uncle’s Xenophobic Tirades

SAN FRANCISCO, CA— Twitter’s (NYSE: TWTR) stock plummeted by over 20% yesterday after a disastrous earnings report, following a slowdown in revenue growth and issues with user engagement with ads on the platform. “We want to make it crystal clear to our stakeholders, customers, and investors that despite changes to ads on the platform, you will still be able to conveniently read and become disgusted … Continue reading Twitter CEO Reaffirms More Ads Will Not Degrade Experience Of Reading Your Uncle’s Xenophobic Tirades

Desperate WeWork Employees Set Remaining Cash On Fire To Stay Warm

NEW YORK, NEW YORK— Amidst a whirlwind of layoffs, the ejection of CEO Adam Neumann, and a last-minute bailout by SoftBank, WeWork’s remaining employees have decided to douse millions of dollars in gasoline and light it ablaze to stay warm during the workweek. “Our building is so cold in the fall season, and the city shut off our power after we stopped paying the utility … Continue reading Desperate WeWork Employees Set Remaining Cash On Fire To Stay Warm

These Companies Are Hiring Like Crazy (Not You) In 2019

There are dozens of hot companies that are hiring hundreds of new employees in 2019, and qualified professionals (definitely not you) should keep them on their radar for the future. The companies below are ready to hire at a moments notice, so don’t let these jobs slip away from your more successful peers! Facebook First up is the Silicon Valley beast: Facebook. Business Outsider analysts … Continue reading These Companies Are Hiring Like Crazy (Not You) In 2019

Companies Open To Interviewing Applicants With Resumé Gaps As Long As Two Weeks

Due to today’s tight labor market, companies are beginning to be more flexible about interviewing candidates with gaps in their resumés- even as long as two weeks long in some cases. “I took a huge break in my career after my first job and I was seriously worried about how it would impact my employment prospects,” said 26-year-old marketing and data analytics professional Amita Patel. … Continue reading Companies Open To Interviewing Applicants With Resumé Gaps As Long As Two Weeks

Apple Increases Productivity By 20% After Developing Foldable Engineers

CUPERTINO, CA— Apple has announced the completion of a previously top-secret R&D project focused on creating totally foldable software engineers. “We’re so excited to announce that we have developed a strategy to fold our engineers and store them in on-campus warehouses without damaging them. This enables our employees to avoid the long commutes to and from work by simply folding themselves up and sleeping inside … Continue reading Apple Increases Productivity By 20% After Developing Foldable Engineers

In Leaked Audio, Mark Zuckerberg’s CPU Plays Off Question About Brain-Computer Interface Research

MENLO PARK, CA- In a recent interview with Business Outsider, Facebook chief executive Mark Zuckerberg’s central processing unit played off a pointed question about the company’s research in brain-computer interfaces. Many academics and politicians have criticized the company for researching and potentially commercializing the human brain, but Facebook has declined to discuss or provide any details on the nature of the research. “We continue to … Continue reading In Leaked Audio, Mark Zuckerberg’s CPU Plays Off Question About Brain-Computer Interface Research

Hackathon Winner Dragged Away By NSA Agents, Laptop Confiscated

SAN JOSE, CA— After an intense weekend of coding, a 26-year-old software developer participating in an annual Hackathon event was knocked unconscious by agents from the National Security Agency and quickly dragged into an unmarked van idling outside of the conference. His laptop, which was decorated with worn-out stickers of his favorite companies and brands, was placed into a plastic bag by another agent wearing … Continue reading Hackathon Winner Dragged Away By NSA Agents, Laptop Confiscated

Entire Office Stumped Trying To Fix Glitchy Software Developer

Austin, TX— Atlassian employees were utterly baffled yesterday when software developer, Samantha Goldstein, began glitching for seemingly no reason. “She was working fine all day, I really don’t understand what could have caused this.” Said Mohan Patel, a fellow engineer, “We’ve been trying all day to replicate her behavior on other programmers but nothing’s working. It just doesn’t make sense!” After 15 minutes of standing … Continue reading Entire Office Stumped Trying To Fix Glitchy Software Developer

Juul Introduces New Standards To Restrict Sales To Non-Douchebags

PALO ALTO, CA— Juul announced today that it has implemented new security features to restrict online sales of the company’s products to normal people that are not total douchebags. “We’re pleased to announce these new state-of-the-art standards will prevent 98.5 percent of normal people from purchasing Juul products online,” said the chief executive of the company in a recent press release. “At a high level, … Continue reading Juul Introduces New Standards To Restrict Sales To Non-Douchebags

Dow Plummets 800 Points As Investors Reconsider If Snapchat Actually Does Anything

NEW YORK, NY— The Dow Jones Industrial Average (DJIA) plummeted over 800 points today as investors reconsidered whether or not companies like Snapchat (NYSE: SNAP) have any real utility in the market. “A lot of investors were giving Snapchat and similar companies the benefit of the doubt,” said Robert Jensen, a Vice President of Goldman Sachs’ asset management branch. “However, upon reevaluating our initial decision … Continue reading Dow Plummets 800 Points As Investors Reconsider If Snapchat Actually Does Anything