Salesforce Acquires Your Mom
SCHENECTADY, NY—Salesforce announced today that it will be strategically entering your personal life by acquiring your mother (NYSE: MOM). Rumors of a pending deal surfaced …
Category: STARTUPS & VC
Buy This Entrepreneur’s Disruptive Book Or He’ll Kill My Family
LOCATION REDACTED—I was forced into a conversation with world-renowned entrepreneur, venture capitalist, and multi-billionaire Larry Gallotrocelopopolous to discuss his highly anticipated motivational memoir entitled Winning The …
Zoom Rolls Out Virtual Foregrounds for Unphotogenic Users
SAN JOSE, CA—Shares in video conferencing powerhouse Zoom (NASDAQ: ZM) soared today after a software update introduced new features for optimizing users’ aesthetic experience. Zoom …
Measles Virus (MSLS) Announces IPO After Unexpected Fourth-Quarter Gains
The measles virus (NASDAQ: MSLS) will unveil an initial public offering valued at $2.6 billion in the coming weeks, according to sources familiar with the …
Spotify Commits To Content Moderation Policies That Maximize Profits
NEW YORK CITY—Shortly after podcast celebrity Joe Rogan hosted controversial public figure Alex Jones on his show, there was a resurgence of protests from Spotify …
Awesome Jetpack Startup Shuttered After Dumb Snitch Sues Over Torn Off Leg
Absolutely badass startup Gravity Industries, known for their wicked sick jetpack, was forced to shut their doors last Friday after some nerd named Thomas sued …
Rights To Quibi’s “Die Hart” Now For Sale On eBay
Quibi Holdings LLC, the now defunct streaming service that launched just six months ago, has started the process of liquidating its assets as part of …
Should You Tip Your Bird Scooter?
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Elizabeth Holmes May Use Psychopathic Narcissist Defense In Theranos Case: “Just Look Into Her Eyes”
PALO ALTO, CA—In one of the most catastrophic Silicon Valley startup debacles in recent memory, Theranos’ founder and ex-CEO Elizabeth Holmes is being criminally charged …
New Tesla Model Uses Your Fat Stores To Reach Its Destination
As part of a larger effort to accelerate the world’s transition to renewable energy, Tesla (NASDAQ: TSLA) today announced that they will be scrapping a …