Trump’s Doctor Solemnly Announces Long And Difficult Recovery For Stock Market
WALTER REED MEDICAL CENTER—President Trump’s doctor Sean Conley confirmed the fear lingering in the minds of many Americans when on Sunday he announced a long …
Category: POLITICS
For The First Time In 51 Years, The Gap Will Endorse A Presidential Candidate
In its 51 years of operations, Americana retailer The Gap (NYSE: GPS) has never endorsed a political candidate. 2020 is a year of many firsts, …
Trump Shows Appreciation For Fallen Soldiers By Signing Arlington Cemetery Gravestones
Arlington, Virginia—Donald Trump on Monday solemnly showed his appreciation for our nation’s fallen service members by personally signing each gravestone at Arlington National Cemetery. It …
Congress Debates Whether Relief Package Should Include Fun-Size Or King-Size Snickers Bar
WASHINGTON—Congress today fell into a heated debate over the size of the Snickers bar that should be included in the next pandemic relief package. Democrats argued …
Snowden on Russia: “I’m So Bored Here, Everyone Already Knows The Government Is Watching Them”
After years in exile from the United States, whistleblower Edward Snowden is looking for a new country to find asylum. “Russia is really boring”, he …
Hurricane Narrowly Misses Louisiana After State Falls Into Sinkhole
LOUISIANA— Hundreds of thousands of Louisiana residents were saved from Hurricane Laura Wednesday after the entire state was swallowed by a massive sinkhole. “It’s just …
5 Fun Ways To Get Your Kids Excited About Voter Suppression
With an important election just around the corner, it’s the perfect time for parents to get their kids excited about voter suppression! As a new …
ISIS Takes Credit For Zoom Bombing
KANSAS CITY, MI— ISIS is claiming responsibility for the horrific Zoom bombing of an online all-women’s book, wine, and charcuterie club. During the call, the …
Republicans Pen Bill To Send Americans Monthly Allowance of 1000 Doll Hairs
THE WHITE HOUSE— Months into the worst recession to hit the US since the Great Depression, congressional Republicans on Monday announced a plan to send …
New Polls Indicate Americans Are Sick And Tired Of This Bullshit
New polling out this week found that just 2% of the population is satisfied with current bullshit levels, indicating that Americans are indeed sick and …