Coca-Cola Begrudgingly Pledges Net Zero Emissions By 2075 Since People Are Apparently Still Talking About This Climate Change Thing

Coca-Cola, the multinational beverage and logistics conglomerate, has finally pledged to transform their business into a net-zero emission operation by the year 2075, since apparently people seem to really care about climate change for some reason. The CEO of the Coca-Cola was finally convinced by a team of advocates on his board that pledging a net zero emission goal, while costly, would benefit the business … Continue reading Coca-Cola Begrudgingly Pledges Net Zero Emissions By 2075 Since People Are Apparently Still Talking About This Climate Change Thing

Johns Hopkins University puts Total Virus Cases Between 10 and 100,000,000

The total number of Coronavirus cases globally is now between 10 and 100,000,000, according to new data from John Hopkins University. “As you know, generating these estimates is very challenging because testing for the virus is not being done uniformly across the world,” said Joseph Margolick, a professor of medicine and virology at the university. “Some places like the United States are not testing nearly … Continue reading Johns Hopkins University puts Total Virus Cases Between 10 and 100,000,000

Boeing Silenced Warning Messages From Test Pilots: “This Thing Could Totally Crash”

CHICAGO, IL— In a startling development, the FAA has accused Boeing (NYSE: BA) of silencing comments from its own test pilots about the safety of the now infamous 737 Max airplane, which caused two fatal crashes in under a year’s time. “Yeah, this baby could totally crash right into the ground,” said an anonymous test pilot over email. “You wouldn’t even have to try that … Continue reading Boeing Silenced Warning Messages From Test Pilots: “This Thing Could Totally Crash”

Trump Burns Through Six Plastic Straws At Climate Change Summit

NEW YORK, NEW YORK— At a recent UN Climate Change summit, in which activists like Greta Thunberg made headlines for their commitment to saving the planet, President Donald Trump was spotted at a luncheon burning through six plastic straws while drinking a single can of Diet Coke. Eye-witnesses reported that the president would apparently grow dissatisfied with the functionality of his straw after just a … Continue reading Trump Burns Through Six Plastic Straws At Climate Change Summit

Business Outsider Ranked The Top Five Universities Worldwide

There are countless lists of university rankings produced by publications like Forbes, The Wall Street Journal, and The New York Times that use a number of complicated metrics and weighting mechanisms to assign scores to the top colleges. These methods are cumbersome and complex, and often result in seemingly random conclusions about the relative status of top-tier universities such as Harvard, Stanford, and California State … Continue reading Business Outsider Ranked The Top Five Universities Worldwide

Fed Cuts Rates To Negative 99%, Trump Says More Aggressive Cut Needed

WASHINGTON— The Fed cut rates to a staggering negative nine percent today in order to stimulate a slowing United States economy. Trump immediately retaliated via Twitter and criticized the Fed for not cutting rates even more aggressively. “No guts, no sense, no vision! Jay Powell and the Federal Reserve failed today by not cutting rates more aggressively,” he said in a recent tweet. “Could there … Continue reading Fed Cuts Rates To Negative 99%, Trump Says More Aggressive Cut Needed

Trump Is ‘Locked And Loaded’ To Start New Saudi Condo Development Following Aramco Attack

SAUDI ARABIA— After a devastating attack on Saudi Aramco yesterday oil prices skyrocketed over 15%, the largest move in history. Saudi Arabia is moving quickly to manage global oil supply and Iran is speculated to have been behind the attack, causing panic across the world. Trump sees this as a major opportunity: he’s broadcasted to real estate investors everywhere that now is the time to … Continue reading Trump Is ‘Locked And Loaded’ To Start New Saudi Condo Development Following Aramco Attack

“I Am So, So Sorry,” Says Hurricane Dorian

Those affected by the largest hurricane in nearly 30 years can be assured that hurricane Dorian has apologized for the trouble it’s caused. During a televised public apology Dorian explained, “I really was trying not to be such a bother. It’s just that the high pressure system along the east coast really got me riled up, and I have to admit, I got a little … Continue reading “I Am So, So Sorry,” Says Hurricane Dorian

State Attorneys General Summon Demon Investig’a, The Regulator, In Attempt To Stop Big Tech

SOMEWHERE IN THE SIERRA NEVADA MOUNTAINS— The Attorneys General of 48 states gathered today in an undisclosed location deep in the Sierra Nevada mountains. They stood in a circle drawn in soil on the ground with a different symbol for each AG, performed an ancient summoning chant which had been passed down for eons from the AGs of antiquity. After hours of chanting, the group … Continue reading State Attorneys General Summon Demon Investig’a, The Regulator, In Attempt To Stop Big Tech

This Labor Day, Take A Moment To Reflect On Whatever The Meaning Of This Holiday Is

It’s easy to see Labor Day simply as a day off work, but don’t forget to take some time to reflect on whatever the meaning of Labor Day actually is. More than just a day to enjoy the fleeting remains of summer, Labor Day is a cherished institution celebrating deeply revered American values, like corporate hierarchy, or something to do with working hard, ambition, or … Continue reading This Labor Day, Take A Moment To Reflect On Whatever The Meaning Of This Holiday Is