Jack In The Box Offers Munchie Meal With Loaded Fries, Loaded Tacos, And Loaded Gun
SAN DIEGO, CA—On Saturday, Jack in the Box announced that they would be offering a new munchie meal with their signature cheesy carne asada loaded …
Category: POLITICS
Republicans Agree To Stimulus Bill Giving $2,000 To All Americans On Santa’s Nice List
THE WHITE HOUSE—Senate Republicans Thursday agreed to a modified version of the $900B stimulus package which would limit the Americans that would receive checks to …
FDA Approves Emergency Distribution Of Baby Yoda Squishmallows
WASHINGTON—A government advisory panel approved the distribution of long-anticipated Baby Yoda Squishmallows Thursday. This long awaited approval will help to ensure that every American will …
ISIS Rewards True Believers With Patreon Prizes
RAQQA, SYRIA—ISIS leader Amir Muhammad Sa’id Abdal-Rahman al-Mawla announced Friday that the terror organization would set up a Patreon for its most dedicated fans. The …
North Korean ICBM Revealed to Be Giant, Hyper-Realistic Cake
Pyongyang, North Korea—Last week, North Korea displayed what at first appeared to be its most powerful intercontinental ballistic missile yet, but was later revealed to …
ISS Crew Member Arrested After Attempting To Use False Identity To Vote A Second Time Over The Phone
LOW EARTH ORBIT—The Space Force has made its first arrest. American astronaut Kimberly Guilfoyle was arrested early yesterday after attempting to vote twice in the …
Opiate Manufacturer Perdue Pharma Pleads Guilty To Providing Patients A Good Time
Purdue Pharmaceuticals was ordered to pay nearly $3 billion last week after the private opiate manufacturer settled out of court for allegedly overprescribed opiates to …
Apple’s New Ankle Watch Will Disrupt The House Arrest Economy
Cupertino CA—This past Tuesday, thousands of Apple fans watched from home as the company announced its new product line of smart ankle monitors. The product …
Desperate Economy Begs Congress To Stimulate It With Massive Package
WALL STREET—Late Saturday the American economy, visibly depressed and in need of stimulation, sent a desperate text to Congress begging for a cash injection into …
Out Of Stimulus Options, Fed Chair Pleads With Citizens To Accept Federal Reserve’s Furniture
WASHINGTON—In the wake of an inevitable economic crash not seen since the Great Depression, Federal Reserve Chairperson Jerome Powell released a memo begging businesses to …