NEW YORK, NEW YORK— At a recent UN Climate Change summit, in which activists like Greta Thunberg made headlines for their commitment to saving the planet, President Donald Trump was spotted at a luncheon burning through six plastic straws while drinking a single can of Diet Coke. Eye-witnesses reported that the president would apparently grow dissatisfied with the functionality of his straw after just a … Continue reading Trump Burns Through Six Plastic Straws At Climate Change Summit

There are countless lists of university rankings produced by publications like Forbes, The Wall Street Journal, and The New York Times that use a number of complicated metrics and weighting mechanisms to assign scores to the top colleges. These methods are cumbersome and complex, and often result in seemingly random conclusions about the relative status of top-tier universities such as Harvard, Stanford, and California State … Continue reading Business Outsider Ranked The Top Five Universities Worldwide

WASHINGTON— The Fed cut rates to a staggering negative nine percent today in order to stimulate a slowing United States economy. Trump immediately retaliated via Twitter and criticized the Fed for not cutting rates even more aggressively. “No guts, no sense, no vision! Jay Powell and the Federal Reserve failed today by not cutting rates more aggressively,” he said in a recent tweet. “Could there … Continue reading Fed Cuts Rates To Negative 99%, Trump Says More Aggressive Cut Needed

SAUDI ARABIA— After a devastating attack on Saudi Aramco yesterday oil prices skyrocketed over 15%, the largest move in history. Saudi Arabia is moving quickly to manage global oil supply and Iran is speculated to have been behind the attack, causing panic across the world. Trump sees this as a major opportunity: he’s broadcasted to real estate investors everywhere that now is the time to … Continue reading Trump Is ‘Locked And Loaded’ To Start New Saudi Condo Development Following Aramco Attack

Those affected by the largest hurricane in nearly 30 years can be assured that hurricane Dorian has apologized for the trouble it’s caused. During a televised public apology Dorian explained, “I really was trying not to be such a bother. It’s just that the high pressure system along the east coast really got me riled up, and I have to admit, I got a little … Continue reading “I Am So, So Sorry,” Says Hurricane Dorian

It’s easy to see Labor Day simply as a day off work, but don’t forget to take some time to reflect on whatever the meaning of Labor Day actually is. More than just a day to enjoy the fleeting remains of summer, Labor Day is a cherished institution celebrating deeply revered American values, like corporate hierarchy, or something to do with working hard, ambition, or … Continue reading This Labor Day, Take A Moment To Reflect On Whatever The Meaning Of This Holiday Is