ISIS Rewards True Believers With Patreon Prizes
RAQQA, SYRIA—ISIS leader Amir Muhammad Sa’id Abdal-Rahman al-Mawla announced Friday that the terror organization would set up a Patreon for its most dedicated fans. The …
Category: POLITICS
North Korean ICBM Revealed to Be Giant, Hyper-Realistic Cake
Pyongyang, North Korea—Last week, North Korea displayed what at first appeared to be its most powerful intercontinental ballistic missile yet, but was later revealed to …
ISS Crew Member Arrested After Attempting To Use False Identity To Vote A Second Time Over The Phone
LOW EARTH ORBIT—The Space Force has made its first arrest. American astronaut Kimberly Guilfoyle was arrested early yesterday after attempting to vote twice in the …
Opiate Manufacturer Perdue Pharma Pleads Guilty To Providing Patients A Good Time
Purdue Pharmaceuticals was ordered to pay nearly $3 billion last week after the private opiate manufacturer settled out of court for allegedly overprescribed opiates to …
Apple’s New Ankle Watch Will Disrupt The House Arrest Economy
Cupertino CA—This past Tuesday, thousands of Apple fans watched from home as the company announced its new product line of smart ankle monitors. The product …
Desperate Economy Begs Congress To Stimulate It With Massive Package
WALL STREET—Late Saturday the American economy, visibly depressed and in need of stimulation, sent a desperate text to Congress begging for a cash injection into …
Out Of Stimulus Options, Fed Chair Pleads With Citizens To Accept Federal Reserve’s Furniture
WASHINGTON—In the wake of an inevitable economic crash not seen since the Great Depression, Federal Reserve Chairperson Jerome Powell released a memo begging businesses to …
6 Stocks That Will Outperform Should Our Democracy Collapse
It’s election season, and market participants want to know which way the election will go in order to make stock predictions. Trump or Biden? Red …
Trump’s Doctor Solemnly Announces Long And Difficult Recovery For Stock Market
WALTER REED MEDICAL CENTER—President Trump’s doctor Sean Conley confirmed the fear lingering in the minds of many Americans when on Sunday he announced a long …
For The First Time In 51 Years, The Gap Will Endorse A Presidential Candidate
In its 51 years of operations, Americana retailer The Gap (NYSE: GPS) has never endorsed a political candidate. 2020 is a year of many firsts, …