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Category: POLITICS

Republicans Agree To Stimulus Bill Giving $2,000 To All Americans On Santa’s Nice List

Republicans Agree To Stimulus Bill Giving $2,000 To All Americans On Santa’s Nice List

THE WHITE HOUSE—Senate Republicans Thursday agreed to a modified version of the $900B stimulus package which would limit the Americans that would receive checks to …

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FDA Approves Emergency Distribution Of Baby Yoda Squishmallows

FDA Approves Emergency Distribution Of Baby Yoda Squishmallows

WASHINGTON—A government advisory panel approved the distribution of long-anticipated Baby Yoda Squishmallows Thursday. This long awaited approval will help to ensure that every American will …

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ISIS Rewards True Believers With Patreon Prizes

ISIS Rewards True Believers With Patreon Prizes

RAQQA, SYRIA—ISIS leader Amir Muhammad Sa’id Abdal-Rahman al-Mawla announced Friday that the terror organization would set up a Patreon for its most dedicated fans. The …

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North Korean ICBM Revealed to Be Giant, Hyper-Realistic Cake

North Korean ICBM Revealed to Be Giant, Hyper-Realistic Cake

Pyongyang, North Korea—Last week, North Korea displayed what at first appeared to be its most powerful intercontinental ballistic missile yet, but was later revealed to …

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ISS Crew Member Arrested After Attempting To Use False Identity To Vote A Second Time Over The Phone

ISS Crew Member Arrested After Attempting To Use False Identity To Vote A Second Time Over The Phone

LOW EARTH ORBIT—The Space Force has made its first arrest. American astronaut Kimberly Guilfoyle was arrested early yesterday after attempting to vote twice in the …

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Opiate Manufacturer Perdue Pharma Pleads Guilty To Providing Patients A Good Time

Opiate Manufacturer Perdue Pharma Pleads Guilty To Providing Patients A Good Time

Purdue Pharmaceuticals was ordered to pay nearly $3 billion last week after the private opiate manufacturer settled out of court for allegedly overprescribed opiates to …

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Apple’s New Ankle Watch Will Disrupt The House Arrest Economy

Apple’s New Ankle Watch Will Disrupt The House Arrest Economy

Cupertino CA—This past Tuesday, thousands of Apple fans watched from home as the company announced its new product line of smart ankle monitors. The product …

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Desperate Economy Begs Congress To Stimulate It With Massive Package

Desperate Economy Begs Congress To Stimulate It With Massive Package

WALL STREET—Late Saturday the American economy, visibly depressed and in need of stimulation, sent a desperate text to Congress begging for a cash injection into …

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Out Of Stimulus Options, Fed Chair Pleads With Citizens To Accept Federal Reserve’s Furniture

Out Of Stimulus Options, Fed Chair Pleads With Citizens To Accept Federal Reserve’s Furniture

WASHINGTON—In the wake of an inevitable economic crash not seen since the Great Depression, Federal Reserve Chairperson Jerome Powell released a memo begging businesses to …

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6 Stocks That Will Outperform Should Our Democracy Collapse

6 Stocks That Will Outperform Should Our Democracy Collapse

It’s election season, and market participants want to know which way the election will go in order to make stock predictions. Trump or Biden? Red …

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