PASADENA, CALIFORNIA— With the Coronavirus (COVID-19) virus grinding the global economy to a screeching halt and threatening to infect and kill millions across the world,
Category: MARKETS
Brazilian Cattle Absolutely Loving Newly Enlarged Pastures
RIO GRANDE DO SUL, BRAZIL— Brazilian cattle are rejoicing due to the sudden increase in grazing area across the country. In just one month, pastoral
Goldman and Apple Partner On New Product: “The Asshole-backed Security”
NEW YORK, NEW YORK— Goldman Sachs and Apple announced today that the firms will be partnering to create a new security, the asshole-backed security (ABS).
Dow Plummets 800 Points As Investors Reconsider If Snapchat Actually Does Anything
NEW YORK, NY— The Dow Jones Industrial Average (DJIA) plummeted over 800 points today as investors reconsidered whether or not companies like Snapchat (NYSE: SNAP)
Drug Dealers Increase Transparency Of Meth Supply Chain With Blockchain
TIJUANA, MEXICO— An anonymous group of drug dealers announced that they’ve deployed a new blockchain-based supply chain solution to enhance the transparency of their delivery
Here’s The 3 Companies That Somehow Managed To Avoid Fucking Up In 2018
With the numerous lists of companies in the media scrutinizing the fastest growing or the most scandalous companies of the year prior, Business Outsider is
Sprint T-Mobile Merger Would Create Telecom Giant With Staggering 3% Market Share
OVERLAND PARK, KS— Cellular carriers Sprint (NYSE: S) and T-Mobile (NASDAQ: TMUS) are nearing the completion of a $26 billion merger which would create a
Elon Musk Cuts Off Wall Street Analyst To Take Questions From Ouija Board
After a previous earnings call where Elon Musk cut off a Bernstein equity analyst and instead took questions from a fan via Youtube, the chief
Wall Street Analysts Say Tesla Stock Could Go Up Or Down From Here
NEW YORK, NY— Wall Street analysts following Tesla (NASDAQ: TSLA) have recently reported that the company’s stock, which has lost over $7 billion in market