Stock Guru Gets Honest In New Course Ad: “You’ll Lose Everything But You’ll Love Every Minute Of It”
SEATTLE, WA—These days it seems like everyone has taken up day trading as a hobby. Recently, stock guru Colton Johnson has cashed in on the …
Category: MARKETS
Apple Announces That For Every Watch Sold This Month They’ll Free One Child Laborer
CUPERTINO, CA—While current events may have you feeling down, Apple proved that there’s still good in the world by announcing a program that will set …
Early-stage Investors Now Looking Into Pregnant Women With Promising Fetuses
PALO ALTO, CA—With venture firms holding record amounts of cash, early-stage investors are looking to take on riskier investments by funding companies at the earliest …
Man Spending $20,000 A Month On Marketing Software Finally Has Idea For Product To Sell
After three years spent crafting a marketing behemouth that costs $20,000 a month to maintain, this week Vermont native Sylvester Cunningham finally had the idea …
With $44 Billion Of Wealth Erased, Tech Tycoons Across America Struggle To Feed Their Ego
SILICON VALLEY—After a devastating week in the stock market, technology billionaires across the U.S. were left wondering how they would even feed their egos. A …
J.P. Morgan’s Quant Director Sees Continued Volatility: “Buy Gold, We Have Enraged God”
NEW YORK CITY—In a recent interview with Business Outsider, J.P. Morgan’s Quantitative Strategies Director Matt Lin said that investors should consider moving a significant portion …
Warren Buffet Sees His Shadow Indicating Another Quarter Of Bull Market
This morning at precisely 10:43 AM, a timid Warren Buffet emerged from his modest home. A hush fell over the press and onlookers as the …
Man With 7 Brokerage Accounts Clearly Has His Shit Together
LOS ANGELES—Los Angeles local Anderson Sampson funded his seventh brokerage account today, proving once and for all that he absolutely has his shit together. “It’s …
Hurricane Narrowly Misses Louisiana After State Falls Into Sinkhole
LOUISIANA— Hundreds of thousands of Louisiana residents were saved from Hurricane Laura Wednesday after the entire state was swallowed by a massive sinkhole. “It’s just …
We Broke Into John Legend And Chrissy Tiegen’s $24M Beverly Hills Home: It’s Gorgeous
BEVERLY HILLS, CA— Cookbook author Chrissy Teigen and musician John Legend have listed their mansion on the market for $23.9M. Given that real estate agents …