Jealous of Coronavirus’ Media Coverage, Elon Musk Sends Yet Another Tesla to Space

PASADENA, CALIFORNIA— With the Coronavirus (COVID-19) virus grinding the global economy to a screeching halt and threatening to infect and kill millions across the world, Elon Musk has grown increasingly jealous of the disease’s vice grip on the media in recent weeks. Ever the showman, Musk has directed his company SpaceX to launch another Tesla into space in an effort to redirect the media’s attention … Continue reading Jealous of Coronavirus’ Media Coverage, Elon Musk Sends Yet Another Tesla to Space

Brazilian Cattle Absolutely Loving Newly Enlarged Pastures

RIO GRANDE DO SUL, BRAZIL— Brazilian cattle are rejoicing due to the sudden increase in grazing area across the country. In just one month, pastoral area has increased roughly 34 percent. This is excellent news for the country’s rapidly growing population of cattle. Business Outsider reporters conducted an exclusive interview with a bull based in southern Rio Grande do Sul. “It used to be so … Continue reading Brazilian Cattle Absolutely Loving Newly Enlarged Pastures

Goldman and Apple Partner On New Product: “The Asshole-backed Security”

NEW YORK, NEW YORK— Goldman Sachs and Apple announced today that the firms will be partnering to create a new security, the asshole-backed security (ABS). This innovative security is being developed in connection with Apple’s new credit card, which is set to be deployed to the world early next month. Some are skeptical about the new security, as the name itself echoes back to the … Continue reading Goldman and Apple Partner On New Product: “The Asshole-backed Security”

Dow Plummets 800 Points As Investors Reconsider If Snapchat Actually Does Anything

NEW YORK, NY— The Dow Jones Industrial Average (DJIA) plummeted over 800 points today as investors reconsidered whether or not companies like Snapchat (NYSE: SNAP) have any real utility in the market. “A lot of investors were giving Snapchat and similar companies the benefit of the doubt,” said Robert Jensen, a Vice President of Goldman Sachs’ asset management branch. “However, upon reevaluating our initial decision … Continue reading Dow Plummets 800 Points As Investors Reconsider If Snapchat Actually Does Anything

Drug Dealers Increase Transparency Of Meth Supply Chain With Blockchain

TIJUANA, MEXICO— An anonymous group of drug dealers announced that they’ve deployed a new blockchain-based supply chain solution to enhance the transparency of their delivery logistics and optimize their entire operation. “Blockchain technology is fantastic. It ensures that all transactions happen seamlessly without anyone getting squirrelly or trying anything they’d ultimately regret, you feel me?” said the leader of the anonymous organized crime syndicate. “This … Continue reading Drug Dealers Increase Transparency Of Meth Supply Chain With Blockchain

Here’s The 3 Companies That Somehow Managed To Avoid Fucking Up In 2018

With the numerous lists of companies in the media scrutinizing the fastest growing or the most scandalous companies of the year prior, Business Outsider is pleased to shine the spotlight on three unique companies that just basically did what they said they’d do and generally avoided fucking up and ruining everything. Note that this is a comprehensive list generated as the result of an exhaustive … Continue reading Here’s The 3 Companies That Somehow Managed To Avoid Fucking Up In 2018

Sprint T-Mobile Merger Would Create Telecom Giant With Staggering 3% Market Share

OVERLAND PARK, KS— Cellular carriers Sprint (NYSE: S) and T-Mobile (NASDAQ: TMUS) are nearing the completion of a $26 billion merger which would create a telecommunications giant with a worldwide market share of over 3%. “This exciting transaction would be a win-win for both companies and skyrocket the combined entity to the top of the cellular services industry,” said the chief executive of Sprint in … Continue reading Sprint T-Mobile Merger Would Create Telecom Giant With Staggering 3% Market Share

Elon Musk Cuts Off Wall Street Analyst To Take Questions From Ouija Board

After a previous earnings call where Elon Musk cut off a Bernstein equity analyst and instead took questions from a fan via Youtube, the chief executive has again frustrated investors by taking questions from a ouija board on Tesla’s most recent earnings call. “That’s it- just stop. These questions are so dry my lips are getting chapped. We’re going to the ouija board,” he said … Continue reading Elon Musk Cuts Off Wall Street Analyst To Take Questions From Ouija Board

Wall Street Analysts Say Tesla Stock Could Go Up Or Down From Here

NEW YORK, NY— Wall Street analysts following Tesla (NASDAQ: TSLA) have recently reported that the company’s stock, which has lost over $7 billion in market value in just one week of trading, could go either up or down from current trading levels. Evercore senior equity research analyst Victor Escobedo II has been tracking the company since 2014, and provided Business Outsider exclusive insight on what … Continue reading Wall Street Analysts Say Tesla Stock Could Go Up Or Down From Here