4 of 5 Dentists Bribed To Recommend Trident Gum
Scarsdale, New York—Dr. Ely Finckle, DDS. has a devastating announcement for the millions of Trident gum fans he’s lied to. He claims that he and …
Category: MARKETS
Private Equity Firm Hires Useless Employee To Identify And Fire Other Useless Employees
Private Equity firm Top Bucket Capital (TBC) is testing an innovative way to weed out unproductive employees at their portfolio companies: They have hired Dave, …
Luncheon Conference Table Adorned With Opulent Bounty Of Ham Sandwiches, Bottled Water, And Fritos
KANSAS CITY, MO—During a meeting with Bank of America’s middle management, Business Outsider reporters were taken aback by the lunchtime accoutrement. The meeting attendees were …
Salesforce Acquires Your Mom
SCHENECTADY, NY—Salesforce announced today that it will be strategically entering your personal life by acquiring your mother (NYSE: MOM). Rumors of a pending deal surfaced …
Festive Private Equity Partner Decorating Office With Snowflakes Cut From Pink Slips
While humming “Carol of the Bells” on Thursday, Apollo Global Management partner Leon Black decorated the office break room with festive hand-cut snowflakes made from …
Republicans Agree To Stimulus Bill Giving $2,000 To All Americans On Santa’s Nice List
THE WHITE HOUSE—Senate Republicans Thursday agreed to a modified version of the $900B stimulus package which would limit the Americans that would receive checks to …
FDA Approves Emergency Distribution Of Baby Yoda Squishmallows
WASHINGTON—A government advisory panel approved the distribution of long-anticipated Baby Yoda Squishmallows Thursday. This long awaited approval will help to ensure that every American will …
Chick-fil-A Launches The ‘White-Sauce Merry-Go-Round’ At Select Locations
When asked why they are willing to wait in line for hours, customers of Chick-fil-A inevitably mention the variety of sensual sauces. Now behold a …
Hedge Fund Analyst Flies Bonus Checks In From Offshore Banks To Celebrate 30th Birthday Party
Rising hedge fund star Parker Owen was surprised Saturday when he discovered that five of his favorite bonus checks had been flown in from various …
Chevron Pledges To Go Carbon Neutral By 3030
Chevron CEO Michael Wirth surprised investors yesterday with the announcement that Chevron will go completely carbon neutral by 3030. “We here at Chevron have made …