Johns Hopkins University puts Total Virus Cases Between 10 and 100,000,000

The total number of Coronavirus cases globally is now between 10 and 100,000,000, according to new data from John Hopkins University. “As you know, generating these estimates is very challenging because testing for the virus is not being done uniformly across the world,” said Joseph Margolick, a professor of medicine and virology at the university. “Some places like the United States are not testing nearly … Continue reading Johns Hopkins University puts Total Virus Cases Between 10 and 100,000,000

“What about meth? Have we tried that yet?” Proposes Congressman as Strategy to Stimulate Economy

THE WHITE HOUSE— Stocks increased the most since 1933 today as investors anticipate a stimulus package to be passed through congress in an effort to mitigate the crippling effects of COVID-19 on the global economy. Debate about what will be included in the package is ongoing, with one congressperson suggesting that getting most of the American working class high on the stimulant methamphetamine would increase … Continue reading “What about meth? Have we tried that yet?” Proposes Congressman as Strategy to Stimulate Economy

Twitter CEO Reaffirms More Ads Will Not Degrade Experience Of Reading Your Uncle’s Xenophobic Tirades

SAN FRANCISCO, CA— Twitter’s (NYSE: TWTR) stock plummeted by over 20% yesterday after a disastrous earnings report, following a slowdown in revenue growth and issues with user engagement with ads on the platform. “We want to make it crystal clear to our stakeholders, customers, and investors that despite changes to ads on the platform, you will still be able to conveniently read and become disgusted … Continue reading Twitter CEO Reaffirms More Ads Will Not Degrade Experience Of Reading Your Uncle’s Xenophobic Tirades

Desperate WeWork Employees Set Remaining Cash On Fire To Stay Warm

NEW YORK, NEW YORK— Amidst a whirlwind of layoffs, the ejection of CEO Adam Neumann, and a last-minute bailout by SoftBank, WeWork’s remaining employees have decided to douse millions of dollars in gasoline and light it ablaze to stay warm during the workweek. “Our building is so cold in the fall season, and the city shut off our power after we stopped paying the utility … Continue reading Desperate WeWork Employees Set Remaining Cash On Fire To Stay Warm

Boeing Silenced Warning Messages From Test Pilots: “This Thing Could Totally Crash”

CHICAGO, IL— In a startling development, the FAA has accused Boeing (NYSE: BA) of silencing comments from its own test pilots about the safety of the now infamous 737 Max airplane, which caused two fatal crashes in under a year’s time. “Yeah, this baby could totally crash right into the ground,” said an anonymous test pilot over email. “You wouldn’t even have to try that … Continue reading Boeing Silenced Warning Messages From Test Pilots: “This Thing Could Totally Crash”

These Companies Are Hiring Like Crazy (Not You) In 2019

There are dozens of hot companies that are hiring hundreds of new employees in 2019, and qualified professionals (definitely not you) should keep them on their radar for the future. The companies below are ready to hire at a moments notice, so don’t let these jobs slip away from your more successful peers! Facebook First up is the Silicon Valley beast: Facebook. Business Outsider analysts … Continue reading These Companies Are Hiring Like Crazy (Not You) In 2019

Companies Open To Interviewing Applicants With Resumé Gaps As Long As Two Weeks

Due to today’s tight labor market, companies are beginning to be more flexible about interviewing candidates with gaps in their resumés- even as long as two weeks long in some cases. “I took a huge break in my career after my first job and I was seriously worried about how it would impact my employment prospects,” said 26-year-old marketing and data analytics professional Amita Patel. … Continue reading Companies Open To Interviewing Applicants With Resumé Gaps As Long As Two Weeks

Apple Increases Productivity By 20% After Developing Foldable Engineers

CUPERTINO, CA— Apple has announced the completion of a previously top-secret R&D project focused on creating totally foldable software engineers. “We’re so excited to announce that we have developed a strategy to fold our engineers and store them in on-campus warehouses without damaging them. This enables our employees to avoid the long commutes to and from work by simply folding themselves up and sleeping inside … Continue reading Apple Increases Productivity By 20% After Developing Foldable Engineers

In Leaked Audio, Mark Zuckerberg’s CPU Plays Off Question About Brain-Computer Interface Research

MENLO PARK, CA- In a recent interview with Business Outsider, Facebook chief executive Mark Zuckerberg’s central processing unit played off a pointed question about the company’s research in brain-computer interfaces. Many academics and politicians have criticized the company for researching and potentially commercializing the human brain, but Facebook has declined to discuss or provide any details on the nature of the research. “We continue to … Continue reading In Leaked Audio, Mark Zuckerberg’s CPU Plays Off Question About Brain-Computer Interface Research

A New Type Of Microdosing: Palo Alto Kindergarten Teacher Praised For Innovative Teaching Method

Palo Alto, CA — This year, a new class of incoming kindergarten students at a Palo Alto School was gifted with a new kind of curriculum. Lisa Jenkins, 25, started her first year of teaching right with a psychedelic lesson plan, literally, and teachers throughout the San Francisco Bay Area are praising her for her innovative techniques. This new method of microdosing is coined by … Continue reading A New Type Of Microdosing: Palo Alto Kindergarten Teacher Praised For Innovative Teaching Method