Amazon Acquires Your Sister
YOUR HOMETOWN, WA—Due to your sister’s transformational development over the summer, Amazon has decided to pursue an acquisition of your sister. Representatives at Amazon claim …
Author: Victor Trevino
Portland Crack Farms Stimulate Local Economy
Portland, OR — Measure 110 passed this election season decriminalizing drugs like heroin, cocaine, and crack in Oregon. Many entrepreneurial citizens used the marijuana industry …
Virgin Hyperloop Car Obliterates Mountain Lion Caught In Tube
LAS VEGAS, NV—A leaked video surfaced this week of a Virgin Hyperloop car vaporizing a Nevada mountain lion during a record-breaking speed test. For months, …
After Waiting 9.5-Hours In line, Vans Executive Team Acquires Supreme For $2.1B
New York, NY– At 4:00 am Monday morning executives from skating shoe brand Vans stood in line outside the Supreme flagship store in Lower Manhattan. …
Opiate Manufacturer Perdue Pharma Pleads Guilty To Providing Patients A Good Time
Purdue Pharmaceuticals was ordered to pay nearly $3 billion last week after the private opiate manufacturer settled out of court for allegedly overprescribed opiates to …
Apple’s New Ankle Watch Will Disrupt The House Arrest Economy
Cupertino CA—This past Tuesday, thousands of Apple fans watched from home as the company announced its new product line of smart ankle monitors. The product …
Jack Ma Sues Funko Pop Figurines for Likeness of His Head
HANGZHOU, CHINA—Jack Ma, CEO of Alibaba, is suing Funko Pop figurines claiming that all the figurines’ head shapes bare an uncanny resemblance to his own. …
6 Stocks That Will Outperform Should Our Democracy Collapse
It’s election season, and market participants want to know which way the election will go in order to make stock predictions. Trump or Biden? Red …
TikTok CEO Locks Herself In Room And Won’t Come Out Until Cooler Company Buys It
LOS ANGELES, CA—The bidding is over, and Oracle (NYSE: ORCL) has won the opportunity to purchase U.S. operations of China-owned social media company TikTok. The …
With $44 Billion Of Wealth Erased, Tech Tycoons Across America Struggle To Feed Their Ego
SILICON VALLEY—After a devastating week in the stock market, technology billionaires across the U.S. were left wondering how they would even feed their egos. A …