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Author: Ross Harrison

BlackRock Takes $2B Position In Company After CEO Sees Facebook Post Reading: “$SHLL To The Moon!!!”

BlackRock Takes $2B Position In Company After CEO Sees Facebook Post Reading: “$SHLL To The Moon!!!”

NEW YORK CITY—Global asset manager BlackRock has taken a substantial position in the largely unknown company Tortoise Acquisition Corporation (NYSE: SHLL) after Louisiana man Gabriel …

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Elon Musk Announces Teslas Will Now Run On Single AA Battery

Elon Musk Announces Teslas Will Now Run On Single AA Battery

At the highly anticipated Battery Day event, Tesla CEO Elon Musk announced that starting in 2022 Tesla cars would run on a single Duracell AA …

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Sony Introduces PlayStation With 30-Year Mortgage Option

Sony Introduces PlayStation With 30-Year Mortgage Option

Alongside the release of the new SonyPlaystation, a 30-year mortgage option was announced to help younger, first-time console buyers finance what will likely be the …

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Apple Announces That For Every Watch Sold This Month They’ll Free One Child Laborer

Apple Announces That For Every Watch Sold This Month They’ll Free One Child Laborer

CUPERTINO, CA—While current events may have you feeling down, Apple proved that there’s still good in the world by announcing a program that will set …

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Man Spending $20,000 A Month On Marketing Software Finally Has Idea For Product To Sell

Man Spending $20,000 A Month On Marketing Software Finally Has Idea For Product To Sell

After three years spent crafting a marketing behemouth that costs $20,000 a month to maintain, this week Vermont native Sylvester Cunningham finally had the idea …

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Trump Shows Appreciation For Fallen Soldiers By Signing Arlington Cemetery Gravestones

Trump Shows Appreciation For Fallen Soldiers By Signing Arlington Cemetery Gravestones

Arlington, Virginia—Donald Trump on Monday solemnly showed his appreciation for our nation’s fallen service members by personally signing each gravestone at Arlington National Cemetery. It …

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Warren Buffet Sees His Shadow Indicating Another Quarter Of Bull Market

Warren Buffet Sees His Shadow Indicating Another Quarter Of Bull Market

This morning at precisely 10:43 AM, a timid Warren Buffet emerged from his modest home. A hush fell over the press and onlookers as the …

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Snowden on Russia: “I’m So Bored Here, Everyone Already Knows The Government Is Watching Them”

Snowden on Russia: “I’m So Bored Here, Everyone Already Knows The Government Is Watching Them”

After years in exile from the United States, whistleblower Edward Snowden is looking for a new country to find asylum. “Russia is really boring”, he …

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Man With 7 Brokerage Accounts Clearly Has His Shit Together

Man With 7 Brokerage Accounts Clearly Has His Shit Together

LOS ANGELES—Los Angeles local Anderson Sampson funded his seventh brokerage account today, proving once and for all that he absolutely has his shit together. “It’s …

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Hurricane Narrowly Misses Louisiana After State Falls Into Sinkhole

Hurricane Narrowly Misses Louisiana After State Falls Into Sinkhole

LOUISIANA— Hundreds of thousands of Louisiana residents were saved from Hurricane Laura Wednesday after the entire state was swallowed by a massive sinkhole. “It’s just …

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