Stock Market Checks Into Rehab Following Year Of Constant Highs
New York, New York – Following a worrying years-long bender of record highs, the stock market has checked into rehab. This development comes after an …
Author: Ross Harrison
Luncheon Conference Table Adorned With Opulent Bounty Of Ham Sandwiches, Bottled Water, And Fritos
KANSAS CITY, MO—During a meeting with Bank of America’s middle management, Business Outsider reporters were taken aback by the lunchtime accoutrement. The meeting attendees were …
FDA Approves Emergency Distribution Of Baby Yoda Squishmallows
WASHINGTON—A government advisory panel approved the distribution of long-anticipated Baby Yoda Squishmallows Thursday. This long awaited approval will help to ensure that every American will …
Tony Robbins Holds Motivational Seminar Within His Own Cavernous Jaw
TONY ROBBIN’S MOUTH, CA—Thousands piled into the gaping maw of entrepreneur and motivational speaker Tony Robbins Friday to attend the “Taste the Power Within” weekend …
Vimeo Restructures Business Model Around Temporary Youtube Outages
New York, NY—Immediately following Youtube’s short shutdown Wednesday, Vimeo announced a new business model which would rely exclusively on traffic spikes from temporary Youtube outages. …
Purell® Unveils 12 Year Oak Cask Aged Hand Sanitizer
With a COVID vaccine on the horizon, Purell® owner GOJO Industries has a new plan to maintain their record-high profits: a top shelf hand sanitizer …
Awesome Jetpack Startup Shuttered After Dumb Snitch Sues Over Torn Off Leg
Absolutely badass startup Gravity Industries, known for their wicked sick jetpack, was forced to shut their doors last Friday after some nerd named Thomas sued …
Desperate Economy Begs Congress To Stimulate It With Massive Package
WALL STREET—Late Saturday the American economy, visibly depressed and in need of stimulation, sent a desperate text to Congress begging for a cash injection into …
iPhone 12 Camera Will Make You Look 50% More Fuckable
At Apple’s highly anticipated iPhone launch event, Tim Cook announced that the newest iPhone 12 camera will make even your beastly face appear nearly fuckable. …
Trump’s Doctor Solemnly Announces Long And Difficult Recovery For Stock Market
WALTER REED MEDICAL CENTER—President Trump’s doctor Sean Conley confirmed the fear lingering in the minds of many Americans when on Sunday he announced a long …