Desperate Economy Begs Congress To Stimulate It With Massive Package
WALL STREET—Late Saturday the American economy, visibly depressed and in need of stimulation, sent a desperate text to Congress begging for a cash injection into …
Author: Ross Levine
iPhone 12 Camera Will Make You Look 50% More Fuckable
At Apple’s highly anticipated iPhone launch event, Tim Cook announced that the newest iPhone 12 camera will make even your beastly face appear nearly fuckable. …
Trump’s Doctor Solemnly Announces Long And Difficult Recovery For Stock Market
WALTER REED MEDICAL CENTER—President Trump’s doctor Sean Conley confirmed the fear lingering in the minds of many Americans when on Sunday he announced a long …
Hundreds Dead After Jim Cramer Smashes Buttons In Air Traffic Control While Shouting: “Sell!”
Hundreds were killed in a disastrous multi-plane wreckage Monday after Jim Cramer started smashing buttons while talking stocks in the LAX air traffic control booth. …
BlackRock Takes $2B Position In Company After CEO Sees Facebook Post Reading: “$SHLL To The Moon!!!”
NEW YORK CITY—Global asset manager BlackRock has taken a substantial position in the largely unknown company Tortoise Acquisition Corporation (NYSE: SHLL) after Louisiana man Gabriel …
Elon Musk Announces Teslas Will Now Run On Single AA Battery
At the highly anticipated Battery Day event, Tesla CEO Elon Musk announced that starting in 2022 Tesla cars would run on a single Duracell AA …
Sony Introduces PlayStation With 30-Year Mortgage Option
Alongside the release of the new SonyPlaystation, a 30-year mortgage option was announced to help younger, first-time console buyers finance what will likely be the …
Apple Announces That For Every Watch Sold This Month They’ll Free One Child Laborer
CUPERTINO, CA—While current events may have you feeling down, Apple proved that there’s still good in the world by announcing a program that will set …
Man Spending $20,000 A Month On Marketing Software Finally Has Idea For Product To Sell
After three years spent crafting a marketing behemouth that costs $20,000 a month to maintain, this week Vermont native Sylvester Cunningham finally had the idea …
Trump Shows Appreciation For Fallen Soldiers By Signing Arlington Cemetery Gravestones
Arlington, Virginia—Donald Trump on Monday solemnly showed his appreciation for our nation’s fallen service members by personally signing each gravestone at Arlington National Cemetery. It …