Short Attention Span? Here’s Three Books Packed with Life Lessons You’ll Probably Never Read

These days it appears that everyone has the attention span of, well, let’s just say you probably checked your phone or Facebook in the middle of reading this sentence. Accordingly, Business Outsider analysts compiled a list of five classic American novels packed that you will definitely never read cover to cover. They’re packed to the brim with marvelous landscapes, fantastic imaginary worlds, and universal life … Continue reading Short Attention Span? Here’s Three Books Packed with Life Lessons You’ll Probably Never Read

“Holy shit, they’re actually watching that one we made with the tigers?” whispers Netflix Executive

LOS ANGELES— After a recent earnings call with the Netflix executive management team, many of the board members were reportedly in shock that even a single person had tuned in to watch “the one with the tigers”, a reference to Netflix’s latest show Tiger King. Tiger King has shaped the zeitgeist of the pandemic, captivating audiences across a nation that couldn’t find anything better to … Continue reading “Holy shit, they’re actually watching that one we made with the tigers?” whispers Netflix Executive

Coca-Cola Begrudgingly Pledges Net Zero Emissions By 2075 Since People Are Apparently Still Talking About This Climate Change Thing

Coca-Cola, the multinational beverage and logistics conglomerate, has finally pledged to transform their business into a net-zero emission operation by the year 2075, since apparently people seem to really care about climate change for some reason. The CEO of the Coca-Cola was finally convinced by a team of advocates on his board that pledging a net zero emission goal, while costly, would benefit the business … Continue reading Coca-Cola Begrudgingly Pledges Net Zero Emissions By 2075 Since People Are Apparently Still Talking About This Climate Change Thing

Johns Hopkins University puts Total Virus Cases Between 10 and 100,000,000

The total number of Coronavirus cases globally is now between 10 and 100,000,000, according to new data from John Hopkins University. “As you know, generating these estimates is very challenging because testing for the virus is not being done uniformly across the world,” said Joseph Margolick, a professor of medicine and virology at the university. “Some places like the United States are not testing nearly … Continue reading Johns Hopkins University puts Total Virus Cases Between 10 and 100,000,000

Jealous of Coronavirus’ Media Coverage, Elon Musk Sends Yet Another Tesla to Space

PASADENA, CALIFORNIA— With the Coronavirus (COVID-19) virus grinding the global economy to a screeching halt and threatening to infect and kill millions across the world, Elon Musk has grown increasingly jealous of the disease’s vice grip on the media in recent weeks. Ever the showman, Musk has directed his company SpaceX to launch another Tesla into space in an effort to redirect the media’s attention … Continue reading Jealous of Coronavirus’ Media Coverage, Elon Musk Sends Yet Another Tesla to Space

“If you want something, go and take it” says Convicted Felon Turned Motivational Speaker

AUSTIN, TEXAS— In light of today’s trying times, Joe MacDonald, a man who served 14 years for felony larceny and now motivational speaker to Fortune 500 corporations and top universities, wants to remind you that if you really want something, nothing should stop it from being in your possession. “Even if people don’t think it’s ‘socially acceptable’ to take printer supplies from your company to … Continue reading “If you want something, go and take it” says Convicted Felon Turned Motivational Speaker

“What about meth? Have we tried that yet?” Proposes Congressman as Strategy to Stimulate Economy

THE WHITE HOUSE— Stocks increased the most since 1933 today as investors anticipate a stimulus package to be passed through congress in an effort to mitigate the crippling effects of COVID-19 on the global economy. Debate about what will be included in the package is ongoing, with one congressperson suggesting that getting most of the American working class high on the stimulant methamphetamine would increase … Continue reading “What about meth? Have we tried that yet?” Proposes Congressman as Strategy to Stimulate Economy

WHO Mulls Burying World Population Underground After Study Shows Coronavirus Can Survive In Air

GENEVA, SWITZERLAND— After a recent study indicated that COVID-19 can survive in air, the leadership team at the World Health Organization (WHO) has been tossing around the concept of putting the entire world’s population underground until the disease has been eradicated from the public. “Nothing is final right now, and we’re looking at a lot of different options to see how we can avoid the … Continue reading WHO Mulls Burying World Population Underground After Study Shows Coronavirus Can Survive In Air

How To Answer “Tell Me About Yourself” According To Man That’s Held Over 3 Jobs

“Tell me about yourself” “Let’s walk through your resume” You’ve almost certainly heard this phrase or some variant of it in a job interview. It’s one of the most important questions that recruiters use to inform their hiring decisions. It’s also the question that candidates stumble on the most. Business Outsider reporters conducted an exclusive interview with a man who has held over three jobs- … Continue reading How To Answer “Tell Me About Yourself” According To Man That’s Held Over 3 Jobs

“On The Bright Side, We’re In The News” Says Australian Prime Minister

SYDNEY, AUSTRALIA— Following the emergence of the worst fire in recorded history, Australian prime minister Scott Morrison has encouraged his constituents to stay optimistic. “Look, don’t get me wrong, the fires are a huge bummer,” he said in a press release with journalists on Sunday. “But at least we’re in the news. I like to look at this as a great opportunity to put Australia … Continue reading “On The Bright Side, We’re In The News” Says Australian Prime Minister