To Hit Aggressive Environmental Goals, Starbucks Decides To Shut Down Company

Pictured: The Starbucks global headquarters building which was recently put up for sale after the massive announcement

SEATTLE, WA—Starbucks CEO Kevin Johnson decided that for the company to make any meaningful progress towards environmental protection, the only logical option was to close the coffee giant down permanently. The arguably illegal, curveball decision sent the stock plummeting 98% as Starbucks shareholders rallied around an inevitable class action lawsuit against the board of directors. Customers were in total shock following the announcement, with one Starbucks regular even alluding to violence if the decision was not quickly reversed: “On Monday morning, I’m still going to Starbucks and if they don’t have my Grande vanilla frappe, we’re going to have, let’s just say, an explosive problem.” 

At press time, a group of infuriated middle-aged women in Beverly Hills were seen using white-out to erase “BLM” on their protest signs from last year’s protests, and writing “My Coffee, My Choice” in preparation for a major protest against the decision.

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