Amazon Acquires Your Sister

YOUR HOMETOWN, WA—Due to your sister’s transformational development over the summer, Amazon has decided to pursue an acquisition of your sister. 

Representatives at Amazon claim to have had an interest in the acquisition since 2018 before your sister ever got hot. Shrewd friends of your sister criticize why Amazon had never taken any action before she’d filled out.

It started with Amazon showing up at your doorstep delivering gifts for your sister. The tech giant would leave her hair products, shirts, makeup, art supplies, and eventually — the occasional ladies undergarment. Since then, your sister has been receiving Amazon’s package delivery almost daily, and sometimes more than twice a day now that your family allows overnight shipping.

“Amazon and I are going global, it’s a big deal. Why aren’t you happy for me?” cried your sister in a recent interview with you. You elected to remind her that Amazon has a long history of complicated acquisitions. In 2015 Amazon acquired live-streaming freshmen TwitchTV for 980 billion dollars. At the time of their merger, Twitch was barely a 3-year old company, while Amazon was a full-grown adult corporation that just turned 21.

When emotions ran high, you turned to your mother for comment. “That’s all poppycock. Your sister is having fun,” she said. 

“Your mother is right. Plus, you could learn a thing or two from a hard-working company like Amazon.” Your dad concurred. “Maybe he can get you a job down at the warehouse.”

After dropping off her gifts, Amazon could be seen peeling out in its signature candy blue Mercedes sprinter van, wearing the iconic, smug smirk on its logo. 

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