New York, New York – Following a worrying years-long bender of record highs, the stock market has checked into rehab. This development comes after an embarrassing episode last week when The Market was found covered in vomit and clutching his phone ready to buy 1000% leveraged TSLA calls while lying in a ditch behind a local Chili’s. Following this incident, The Market’s boyfriend, Jim Kramer delivered an ultimatum: threatening to cut off contact if it couldn’t give up the endless bull market.
The Market has checked into Berkshire Hathaway subsidiary’s Fair Value Meadows, a rehabilitation facility focused exclusively on helping market indices return to rational behaviors. The executive director of the facility, CFA charterholder and hedge fund manager Gus Forte said that the stock market couldn’t have waited another day before checking in. “The stock market is very brave for taking this first step towards recovery, and we’re all proud of its strength. The stock market has admitted that getting higher and higher every day is only going to create problems for everyone in the long run. We hope that by the end of the week we can get it to stop screaming ‘hold the line’ at the other patients.”
The stock market reportedly has already had two relapse incidences while in rehab. The most recent incident sent the price of a recent EV IPO skyrocketing 400% following an unfounded rumor that it’s CEO was college roommates with bitcoin developer Satoshi Nakamoto.
At press time, rehabilitation associates were having trouble holding The Stock Market down after it had bypassed safety features on a lobby computer and proceeded to pump the prices of dozens of thinly traded penny stocks.