Portland, OR — Measure 110 passed this election season decriminalizing drugs like heroin, cocaine, and crack in Oregon. Many entrepreneurial citizens used the marijuana industry as a model which they took as a sign of things to come. Within weeks several thousand acres in Oregon were equipped to grow organic, non-GMO, gluten-free, fair-trade, kosher, ketogenic, ‘hard-as-nails’ crack to meet future demand.
The forecasted crack economy has projected growth in many sectors of Oregon’s bread and butter industries. Rates of small business ventures into sectors such as hackysack, weaving dreamcatchers, and banging plastic buckets for cash are up 350% in Portland. Furthermore, crack fueled jobs in landscaping have appeared where they never existed before, with some services offering to dig holes in your yard to extract and sell unwanted copper pipes.
On the other side of the coin, the new crack farms have upset some of the more socially conservative Oregonians, who complain that the crack influx is eroding the fabric and teeth of Portland society.
“This crack is not the kind of stuff your parents smoked in the 80s,” says Crack Farmer Ned McRack. “It’s like a medicine. It’s been proven to help with anxiety.” When Business Outsider interviewers asked how a stimulant like crack could reduce anxiety, Ned said, “No I mean it can help your anxiety… like help it grow… it can help you cultivate anxiety in your body and make it stronger. Am I talking too fast?… Ok, I can feel you thinking about how I look and it’s hurting my scalp.” He said before sprinting toward an oncoming bus while screaming the lyrics to “Don’t Stop Believing”.
At press time, notable crack cocaine advocate Hunter Biden announced he would be moving to Oregon to help advise the state government on how to best consume the cash crop.