Private Equity Firm Hires Useless Employee To Identify And Fire Other Useless Employees

Private Equity firm Top Bucket Capital (TBC) is testing an innovative way to weed out unproductive employees at their portfolio companies: They have hired Dave, a former sales manager at Dental Software Inc. and objectively the least productive worker in the global economy.

“Let’s just say Dave had a very loose idea of lunch hour,” grumbled his former boss Miranda Evans. “He only made it to manager because our CEO lost a poker match to Dave’s dad. Or maybe our CEO is Dave’s dad? Either way, I hated Dave, and his dad.”

Once the terms of Dave’s role were finalized, he proved to be an immediate asset. TBC’s VP of Investor Relations Andrea Peters explained, “After buying a new company, we just let Dave wander around their offices for a week or so. Anybody who he later tells us is ‘a really cool guy’ or ‘loves Duke too!’ we put on the chopping block.”

So far, the strategy appears to be working.“Underperforming employees can ruin companies,” TBC’s deal making veteran Sam Raddleman exclaimed while presenting to Harvard graduate students. “Regardless of fund size or asset class, I believe the DAVE technique will transform employee performance evaluation forever.” Unfortunately, Sam Raddleman himself was let go yesterday after an intense discussion with Dave regarding the latest in March Madness.

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