KANSAS CITY, MO—During a meeting with Bank of America’s middle management, Business Outsider reporters were taken aback by the lunchtime accoutrement. The meeting attendees were presented with a pile of paper bags containing a vast cornucopia of fine delicacies including soggy ham sandwiches sourced from a local Shell station, warm bottles of Kirkland Signature water, and Classic Ranch Fritos. Upon witnessing the smorgasbord of pure ambrosia which was trollied in on a rusted cart, employees immediately stood up and applauded the elegant display.
“After feasting my eyes upon this bounty of gustatory delight, I couldn’t focus on a single thing for the rest of the meeting,” said branch manager Abraham Goldstein, adding, “how could I pay attention to predictive demand models with the intoxicating scent of vegetarian wraps filled with nothing but mayo and alfalfa sprouts wafting through the air?
“Oh sweet joy! What splendid phantasmagoria has invaded my very soul?” pondered director of sourcing Becky Wong. “How shall I prepare myself for the wondrous mysteries that rest behind the walls of these mahogany parcels?” She grabbed a bag marked “TURKY” and returned to her seat where she discovered she’d chosen a package containing Doritos. She exclaimed, “Oh cruel fate! Oh savage luck! Perhaps by the decree of the gods I will one day receive that elusive morsel, Hot Cheetos.”
As the meal came to a close, interns presented a dessert tray piled high with blueberry scones and leftover birthday cake.