SCHENECTADY, NY—Salesforce announced today that it will be strategically entering your personal life by acquiring your mother (NYSE: MOM). Rumors of a pending deal surfaced after Salesforce started coming by your house for dinner more often following Parent-Teacher Association meetings.
“This is a match made in heaven,” Salesforce was overheard saying, in a private briefing at the dinner table. “Together, your mom and I will shape the future of enterprise software and transform you and your siblings’ lives.” Having acquired Slack earlier this quarter, Salesforce has already established solid relationships with your mom’s friends and colleagues as well.
Your mom was enthusiastic about the change. “I’m not getting any younger, you know,” she said in an interview with you. “Salesforce is very nice, and doesn’t mess around like your father used to.”
“Personally, I believe this is the most strategic merger in the history of your mom, and I can’t wait to get started on our collaborations,” Salesforce asserted, while possessively rubbing your mom’s knee as they sat side-by-side on the couch across from you.
Analysts from JP Morgan, Barclays, and Goldman agreed that your mom was ripe for the taking. Entering 2020, she had lost around 40% of her share value since going public early in Q2. Her most recent earnings report was grim, and shareholders balked at her renewed smoking habit and mounting credit card debt. The only surprise here was the zeal Salesforce demonstrated in instigating the takeover.
“All it took in the end was a candlelit dinner at Outback Steakhouse and a nice bottle of rosé,” said Salesforce gloatingly. “I popped the question right there in the parking lot behind my 2016 Mazda Miata.”
Your mom cooed in agreement.“Salesforce is very romantic,” she said, playfully stroking Salesforce’s ear and causing its stock to rise noticeably.
At press time, Salesforce insisted, “Please, don’t call me Salesforce. I want you to call me Dad.”