Republicans Agree To Stimulus Bill Giving $2,000 To All Americans On Santa’s Nice List

THE WHITE HOUSE—Senate Republicans Thursday agreed to a modified version of the $900B stimulus package which would limit the Americans that would receive checks to only those on Santa’s nice list. 

Added to the bill late last week, The Santa Clause defines how citizens would qualify for Santa’s nice list. Senator Mitch McConnell explained St. Nicholas’ criteria, “As stated in Section 2, paragraph 8 entitled ‘Criteria for Determination of Persons Naughty and Nice’, a Nice Person shall be one who does not cry, does not pout, attends a Christian church every Sunday, has a credit score above 750, and owns land.” 

The clause has drastically reduced the cost of the bill from $900 billion to just $2.5 million, after it was determined that only 1% of Americans qualified for the nice list. After hearing that she was not on the nice list, Los Angeles IT consultant Margeret Bloom wrote a letter requesting an exception: 

“Dear congress. I’ve tried my best to be good this year! I attended church every Sunday and I refused to protest with those filthy looters and thugs over the summer. I never ask for much from you, but if I don’t come up with $500 by next month then my kids and I will be evicted from our studio apartment. All I want is a little stimulus check and I’ll be happy,” she said in the letter which was swiftly denied by a federal social services agency

Democratic leadership has stated that they would sign the bill as it is currently written if $100 billion in defense spending was added to support the independence of the North Pole.

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