WASHINGTON—A government advisory panel approved the distribution of long-anticipated Baby Yoda Squishmallows Thursday. This long awaited approval will help to ensure that every American will have an adorable companion to squish and cuddle.
Following months of market research, FDA representative, Dr. Elenore Gibson spoke to the effectiveness of the small plush novelties, “We know that the safety and efficacy of these squishmallows have been drawn into question in recent weeks, but our experts have found them to be 94% to 95% effective at putting even the most stuck up adults into a cuddly mood. One Cambridge study found 97% of participants, when presented with the Squishmallow found it both adorable, and extremely satisfying to squoosh. For this reason, I will be getting one for myself and my family as soon as they are available.”
Meanwhile, at a Walmart in downtown LA, the staff struggled to keep up with demand. Manager Amber Perez had just finished her fourth 12-hour shift of the week. Visibly exhausted, she complained, “The crowd just doesn’t stop. Every time I think there can’t be more, another customer shows up. The toy aisle is filled to capacity with anxious shoppers trying to get one of these Baby Yodas but there just aren’t enough yet. We’ve set up a field aisle out in the parking lot filled with other toys, but that’s just addressing a symptom. We aren’t going to make any progress until every American can cuddle up with an adorable pillow shaped like baby yoda”
At press time, MyPillow founder, Michael Lindell appeared on Fox news holding a Baby Yoda Squishmallow in a biohazard bag while claiming the toy had given his son autism.