Rising hedge fund star Parker Owen was surprised Saturday when he discovered that five of his favorite bonus checks had been flown in from various offshore bank accounts to celebrate his birthday.
When Parker saw the checks in the mail, he was elated. “Holy shit! The boys!! Second-year M&A analyst bonus!? The last time I saw you was at the security deposit box in Switzerland. I can’t believe all you came!!!” he said, waving the checks in the air. “Wow, Bridgewater signing bonus-that Cayman Island sunshine looks good on you!”
Parker took his checks to One Oak nightclub where he’d reserved three tables. After placing his checks around the table, Parker reassured the bottle girls that, “Way more people promised they’d stop by.”
After a round of Patron, Parker took his early VP promotion bonus for $410,000 to the dance floor to, “pick-up models and offer them some of our Dom.”
“Parker had such a good time with his checks by his side,” an eyewitness told Business Outsider. “He kept buying everybody shots. Like everybody. Honestly, I was surprised cause the club was packed, but at the end of the night Parker was still sitting alone at his three tables.”
At the end of the night, before stepping into his Uber Black XL, Parker took a blurry selfie with his checks, and then hugged each of them. Patrons overheard Parker drunkenly mutter to one check, “I fucking love you man. So much. You have to visit more often.”