Chevron CEO Michael Wirth surprised investors yesterday with the announcement that Chevron will go completely carbon neutral by 3030.
“We here at Chevron have made a difficult but critical decision for the health of our planet. We have decided on an ambitious goal that is balanced with our business needs, to become carbon free over the next 1010 years. While we recognize that this aggressive approach will not be popular with our stockholders, we maintain our commitment to profit. These next 10 centuries will give us enough time to extract all the remaining arctic oil and lead the alternative energy technology revolution. We’re excited to protect the bright futures of our great, great, great, great, great, great, great grandchildren. While we won’t be alive to see the success of this project, we are proud to know the future will be able to enjoy the fossilized fruit of our labor. In fact, Chevron’s environmental projects may even have us carbon negative by 4040,” said Wirth in a press conference.
Chevron also announced a new program called The New Shores Initiative. This forward-thinking endeavour will provide funding to build hydroelectric power stations in Central Park in anticipation of Manhattan’s inevitable loss to rising sea levels. By 3030, there will be power stations as far inland as Austin, Texas. It also hopes to harness the massive power of the super-hurricanes that will constantly batter the new coastline.
Project Sunburn is working on designs for AerothermalⒸ steam turbines. Using a combination of the 150°C ambient air temperature, the completely unhindered solar rays, and the surface pools of magma to heat water and create clean energy, Chevron will be able to power all of the subterranean New Los Angeles, California.
While these projects are still in the works, Chevron has already started helping the future environment. Chevron has sponsored children’s television shows to teach the importance of carefully balancing conservation and profit. Chevron has also begun a long term effort to restore the earth’s natural oil wells by killing activists and burying them in peat bogs all over the third world.