LOCATION REDACTED—I was forced into a conversation with world-renowned entrepreneur, venture capitalist, and multi-billionaire Larry Gallotrocelopopolous to discuss his highly anticipated motivational memoir entitled Winning The Race To The Bottom.
Larry G. sat me down, shook my hand, and removed the bag from over my head. He calmly poured himself a mimosa while his assistants held me at gunpoint. He then said, “Listen, you’ve got plenty of pathetic fucks who read your god-awful blog. Here’s what’s gonna happen. You get people to buy this fucking book, or I will break you, is that understood?”
He then showed me a tablet that displayed a live video feed of my wife Cynthia and our dear children Annie and Luna hooked up to a metric ton of plastic explosive. He explained that he’d connected the explosive to the Amazon Kindle API, and if he hadn’t sold 500,000 copies by the end of this week, then my family would be “wasted”. Despite my obvious fear for my family’s safety, I was shocked by Mr. Gallotrocelopopolous’s incredible ability to use my family’s safety as leverage to get precisely what he wanted from me! With skills like these at his disposal, it’s no wonder Larry G. has reached such impressive levels of success. You can learn all about tactics like this one in his new book, Winning The Race To The Bottom.
“Listen, people are your greatest tool, and I know that even better than Steve Jobs,” Mr. Gallotrocelopopolous stated coolly while gently sipping his Mimosa. “Believe me. I knew Steve quite well. It just so happens that Steve tried to fuck me over on a deal. Well, joke’s on you, Steve! It turns out even the best oncologists will give up on their Hippocratic oath if you offer them $10 million. Maybe ‘ol Steve-y boy would still be alive if he understood a single skilled human’s monetary value. Anyway, humans are tools. And what do you do with tools? You use them. Then you throw them away when you don’t need them anymore.”
Larry then had his assistants shoot my kneecaps. As I doubled over in pain, I came to a profound realization: I was a tool in Larry G’s box the whole time. Once he’d used me to sell his books, he’d snap me half and toss me in the dumpster. Larry G. is truly a master of his craft.