SAN JOSE, CA—Shares in video conferencing powerhouse Zoom (NASDAQ: ZM) soared today after a software update introduced new features for optimizing users’ aesthetic experience. Zoom meetings now offer innovative solutions to the problem of having to look at your coworkers’ ugly faces all day. Image recognition software automatically sorts users’ video feeds from most to least attractive. In extreme cases, the algorithm automatically activates Virtual Foregrounds™ to mask truly unsightly employees from view.
“These features help even within our own company,” said Zoom CTO Brad Bufferson in an interview with Business Outsider reporters. “Our lead engineer, Dave Higgins’ snaggletooth was extremely distracting during meetings. Looking at Dave had a horrible effect on morale for the whole team. With Virtual Foregrounds™, we can now hide his hideousness behind a tasteful simulated potted plant.”
This feature was just the opening salvo in the battle Zoom is waging against its burgeoning competitors. “The new update creates a genuine ‘workplace feel’ that puts us leaps and bounds ahead of the competition,” said Renee Magritte, a Zoom spokeswoman. “We’re especially proud of the Sensory Augmentation Extension, which takes an air sample from each call participant and reissues the appropriate level of body odor back to all other users in the call. I can even tell Randy from HR has been drinking on the job again!” Ms. Magritte chuckled.
The next update will roll out more exciting features such as Gossip-Optimized™ breakout rooms, which use advanced machine learning algorithms to calculate exactly which staff member combinations are best suited to talk shit about each other. The Drama Enhancement Toolkit™ ensures that coworkers in other breakout rooms will overhear you when you slander them behind their backs. Relatedly, the update will introduce a suite of new “Meeting Reaction” emojis, including Worried Face, Crying Face, Loudly Crying Face, and Puffy-Eyed Red-Nosed Face Insisting Everything’s Fine.