FBI Hires Corporate Marketing Veteran To Email Missing Persons In Hopes Of Finding Them Well

In an internal memo shared exclusively with Business Outsider, FBI director Thomas Henderson revealed that the FBI will be adopting email as a primary tactic to locate missing persons ‘well’ and that corporate marketing veteran Joan Wasserman has been hired as unit chief. 

Wasserman has already begun crafting attention grabbing subject lines such as “Psst, it’s the FBI! Unlock your FREE guide to get un-kidnapped!” to break through the distractions missing persons experience while on the freeway inside the trunk of a nondescript sedan during rush hour. 

When Wasserman was asked why she transitioned from the lucrative private sector into government, Wasserman said, “I needed a target audience for my emails where the bar of ‘well’ was considerably lower.” 

Parents of missing ten year old, Paul Flowers, incessantly called Ms. Wasserman to confirm all FBI emails had been rigorously A/B tested to ensure peak open and response rates: “What if Paul receives an email with a spammy subject line or an email without a bulleted list? Paul’s attention wanders and he is quick to disregard poorly formatted emails.” 

According to people familiar with the matter, Wasserman plans to integrate Calendly links into all FBI communication so that missing persons can simply ‘Click the link’ to schedule their extraction without the need to email back and forth. 

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