ISIS Rewards True Believers With Patreon Prizes

RAQQA, SYRIA—ISIS leader Amir Muhammad Sa’id Abdal-Rahman al-Mawla announced Friday that the terror organization would set up a Patreon for its most dedicated fans. The pivot is intended to combat sliding revenue as a result of YouTube’s mass demonetization of content involving controversial ideas.

“As it currently stands, ad revenue from YouTube is no longer allowing us to remain a competitive terror organization. To maintain the consistent barrage of high-quality terrorism, we’ve decided to start a Patreon. Generous sponsors will be able to choose from a variety of donation tiers,” al-Mawla explained. “$5 a month will get you our signature balaclava, $50 a month will bring one of our signature zoom bombings to your next meeting, $500 a month will get you a shoutout on our next terror attack, and $5000 will get you a personal beheading video with a victim of your choice. It’s an excellent gift to shake things up this holiday season.”

After being granted exclusive access, Business Outsider reporters observed a demo of a patreon-funded terrorist incident. A suicide bomber was observed walking into a crowded cafe, and shouted “Stephanie 4eva ‘Ackbar! Sk8rPunk ‘Ackbar! 420QuickScoper ‘Ackbar!” before violently exploding into a red mist. Three were killed, seven injured, and @420QuickScoper gained 23 new iIstagram subscribers.

In response Al-Qaeda has struck a brand deal with Nord VPN. Next month, Nord is expected to roll out their “Official VPN of Al-Qaeda” ad campaign.

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