BRENTWOOD, TN—Costco (NASDAQ: COST) today announced a new Thanksgiving themed package. It will include everything that’s on the table at a functioning American Thanksgiving dinner, ranging from turkey, stuffing, and a custom family that won’t argue with you about abortion.
“We’re really excited to announce our new Thanksgiving package. The turkey is moist and succulent, the gravy is smooth and buttery, and for once, you won’t have to worry about your mom yelling at you for not having a boyfriend yet,” said Costco CEO Steve Woodward, “Better yet, our partnership with Impossible Foods will allow you to eat with a group that truly looks and feels like a loving and supportive family.”
Reporters sat down with Darnell DeShawn, a loyal Gold Star member at Costco to ask about his views on the new Thanksgiving package.
“I work busy hours as a lawyer, so I don’t really have the energy to make a Thanksgiving dish or deal with my in-laws. All I’ve gotta do now is pull the package out of the freezer, throw it in the oven, and bam! Instant meal and family!” DeShawn explained. “They even come dressed with side pieces!”
At press time, DeShawn was seen stabbing his plant-based family to death as the meal came to a close. He smacked his lips as he prepared to chow down on the carcasses.