GARNER, N.C.—Following the announcement of the COVID-19 vaccine, Butterball is racing to gain FDA approval for a COVID-vaccinated turkey. The food-products conglomerate has partnered with Pfizer (NASDAQ: PFE) to simultaneously boost turkey sales and distribute the vaccine efficiently.
Preliminary marketing subtly implies that the vaccinated turkeys will confer immunity to the consumer. One commercial for the product features a woman in a lab coat serving the turkey to a family while giant on-screen text reads “This turkey gives you immunity to COVID!”. We reached top NIH official Anthony Fauci for his take on the intriguing implications of this commercial. “There is absolutely no evidence whatsoever that consuming an immunized poultry product will affect individuals’ susceptibility to the novel coronavirus disease,” he explained. “This is not turkey, this is baloney.”
In an interview with Business Outsider reporters, Butterball CEO Brad Giblets was evasive about the medical veracity of these claims. “I’m no scientist,” he said, “but I do know about the new stock options we’re offering our beloved employees. Low-sodium stock, organic stock, fat-free—we’re even throwing in free bouillon cubes for the loved ones of our plant workers who died of COVID-19.”
Initial clinical trials have found that side effects include headache, fatigue, and indigestion. Food comas may occur in severe cases. To be fully protected, individuals must receive the first dose and then a second helping a few days later. “Did someone say leftovers?” said Mr. Giblets.
Other companies are trying to keep abreast of this rapid progress. In a desperate bid to remain relevant, Johnson & Johnson and Honey Baked Ham are reportedly prototyping a Christmas ham with an inoculating glaze, as well as a dry rub with garlic, rosemary, and deactivated strands of coronavirus mRNA.