Desperate To Re-engage Trump Base, Fox News Acquires Playboy

Alarmed that longtime viewers are leaving over accusations of becoming fake news, Fox News (NASDAQ: FOX) acquired Playboy magazine in a bold bet to save the news channel. Fox agreed to pay $71 million dollars in cash for the American men’s “lifestyle and entertainment” magazine. 

“When I was a young boy, nothing excited me quite like seeing the new issue of Playboy stuffed in the back of my dad’s sock drawer. And now, to be the company putting Playboy on televisions across America- I am honored,” said teary-eyed member of the board of directors, Rick Crane. 

Fox News CEO Suzanne Scott said in prepared remarks today, “This was a business decision based on the proven, time-tested effects naked women have on conservative white men. We know we’ve taken a ratings hit recently, but once we get some oiled-up centerfolds massaging Sean Hannity during his show, we are confident that we will win back large swaths of the sexually repressed demographic we lost in the unfortunate aftermath of this election.”

According to sources familiar with the situation, President Trump privately congratulated Scott on the acquisition and requested that Donald Trump Jr. lead “post-acquisition diligence” on Playboy staff. 

Business Outsider notes that Fox is not the only news company taking on this revolutionary strategy. Our reporters have learned that rival news organization Brietbart is in exclusive talks to acquire hardcore pornography website Brazzers. At this time, neither company has responded for comment. 

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