Measles Virus (MSLS) Announces IPO After Unexpected Fourth-Quarter Gains

The measles virus (NASDAQ: MSLS) will unveil an initial public offering valued at $2.6 billion in the coming weeks, according to sources familiar with the pathogen. The centuries-old disease has posted massive gains recently, surprising market analysts who believed measles would struggle to compete with 2020’s breakout infectious disease start-up, COVID-19. COVID-19 was the darling of flu investors early in the fiscal year, but has taken huge hits thanks to the rollout of promising vaccines by Pfizer (NYSE: PFE) and Moderna (NASDAQ: MRNA).

Measles’s IPO filing was proposed in response to decreasing vaccination rates worldwide, and hastened by rosy outlooks for aggressive transmission during the winter months. Business Outsider analysts consider this a brilliant move, given projections that the measles virus is set to dramatically increase its market share.

Measles is an extremely contagious disease which causes fever, cough, runny nose, and a patented rash. While often regarded as a childhood illness, it can affect people of any age. “We’re a family company,” said measles CEO Brad McCoughen, with a winning smile. “There’s nothing ‘novel’ about it,” McCoughen continued. “We’ve been in this business a long time, a lot longer than some of our competitors who I won’t name. Measles is a brand people trust for vaccine-preventable causes of death.” 

“We really pioneered the airborne aerosolized virus model,” explained Vice President  of Marketing Cindy Rubeola. “It’s just so heartening to finally see some recognition for the original innovators here.”

While shareholders were thrilled by the company’s unexpectedly bullish Q4, consumer reviews remain lukewarm due to the product’s whopping 28% mortality rate.

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