Vimeo Restructures Business Model Around Temporary Youtube Outages

New York, NY—Immediately following Youtube’s short shutdown Wednesday, Vimeo announced a new business model which would rely exclusively on traffic spikes from temporary Youtube outages. 

“We’re calling it the ‘crumbs paradigm’,” said Vimeo CEO, Anjali Sud. “Basically we humble ourselves to receive any ad revenue or viewership that accidentally falls from Youtube’s plate. In yesterday’s case, it was like they dropped the whole pie on the ground! Like a dog under the dining table, we inhaled what we could before Youtube went back online and we were sent back to the dog house, bloody and cowering. That revenue paid off the mountain of debt we’ve accumulated over the last 15 years, it paid all our salaries WITH bonuses. The cash injection from that tsunami of ad revenue will give us enough working capital to last the company until late 2021,” said Sud, adding with a wink that it would be “a terrible shame” if anything were to happen to Youtube’s servers around that time.

Director of marketing Harris Beber added, “We know our market; it’s foreign student filmmakers and people who haven’t heard of Youtube yet. Our old marketing model was to advertise heavily to a small group of about 300 people until we gaslit them into believing that YouTube didn’t really exist. It’s shameful, the amount of money we’ve spent on banner ads that read ‘youtube is a lie, question everything on Vimeo’. With this new business model we won’t even need a marketing budget. Maybe that’ll free up funds to hire an engineer who can update our video player! We haven’t had one of those since 2006.”

Dailymotion is rumored to have launch its own new business model based on kidnapping YouTube’s engineers and holding them for ransom.

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