Westlake Village, CA—Following the announcement of Chapter 11 bankruptcy, music retailer Guitar Center announced it would be slashing prices in its largest-ever sales event. The sale, Guitar Center representatives say, will be sure to turn it up to 11 this Veterans Day (11/11).
“We wanted to make sure we did something really special to celebrate our new direction as a company,” said Richard Starkey, Vice President of Marketing. “We are really turning it to 11 with huge discounts on 11 brands you know and love! Brands like Gibson, Shure, Hitachi, Yamaha, Gretsch, Juul, Fender, Line 6 and Pfizer. Please buy our stuff.” He took a deep, shaky breath, “We have families.”
“We are also offering an exclusive ‘You Try it, You Buy it’ in-store promotion,” he continued, “As soon as you touch anything in the store you are automatically billed. And for the first time ever, we are hosting our very own charity concert with some local youth! We are thrilled to provide a stage for these up-and-coming guitar heroes.” The concert represents a new era of entertainment with approximately 300 amateur guitarists calling in over Zoom, a move regarded as ‘cost effective’ by Business Outsider analysts.
“I’m not sure about all this 11 stuff,” said sales floor rep Saul Hudson. “They are bringing in these 11-year-olds who will work for $11 an hour to cut costs. We had this company-wide meeting where the CEO [Nigel Tufnel] told us they thought about filing for chapter 10 but chapter 11 would be one better.”
“Thanks to our new partnership with Airbnb we are very excited to offer our customers luxury accommodations right inside our amazing Holywood store! We love giving our guests the full Guitar Center experience so they can feel like the rockstars they are!” shouted General manager Steven Vaughan over the deafening roar of Marshall amplifiers while clearing a space between them for guests to sleep.