Pyongyang, North Korea—Last week, North Korea displayed what at first appeared to be its most powerful intercontinental ballistic missile yet, but was later revealed to be a massive, hyper-realistic cake. Business Outsider’s international correspondent team went behind the last iron curtain to investigate.
The missile/pastry, which was composed of 1,400 metric tons of sheet cake covered with a decadent glaze of dark chocolate ganache and piped with Madagascar vanilla icing, was unveiled at a military parade designed to boost morale after a year of devastating economic slowdowns and widespread food shortages. At the parade’s conclusion, Nuclear Armament Engineer Park Joon-ho sliced into the missile, shocking the crowd, which was mostly made up of political dissidents who volunteered to attend the event.
Pentagon official Buddy Valastro, who spoke to us on the condition of anonymity, expressed concern about the national security implications of this new development. “Frankly, our nation’s defenses are completely unprepared,” Valastro said. “We vastly misinterpreted intelligence reports on DPRK weapons stockpiles. We assumed when they said yellow cake they meant uranium.” However, based on Americans’ predilection for cake-related reality shows, he observed, we may yet stand a chance at holding our own in this novel international arms race.
North Korea’s Supreme Commander Kim Jong-Un presided over the ceremony, looking more pasty than usual. Upon the parade’s conclusion, a column of soldiers vowed to eternally protect their beloved leader before an aide sliced into Mr. Kim and revealed that he, too, was a cake.