IRVINE, CA—Yesterday In-N-Out Burger announced that they will be slaughtering live cows in front of their customers to serve them the freshest meat possible. The recent change is part of the burger chain’s larger effort to further their commitment to serving quality beef at a competitive price.
CEO Lynsi Snyder explained, “For the longest time we were hesitant to expand beyond the West Coast because we weren’t sure how to transport fresh meat across the country without refrigeration. But then I visited the open meat markets of Wuhan and I thought to myself, ‘Why don’t we bring this over to the US?’”
Reporters walked past a crowd of customers digging into a cow in the middle of the restaurant and approached Gordon Ramsay voraciously consuming a double-double burger with fries. He excitedly shared his thoughts on the new levels of freshness of the chain’s food.
“Oh my God, have you tried the animal-style burger? The beef patties are completely raw, and the burger is covered in fresh cow blood, which lends a savory accent to the meal. I feel like a wild wolf enjoying the spoils of the hunt,” drooled Ramsay.
After reporters finished their meals, they drove to Popeye’s where, in an apparent effort to compete with In-N-Out, the chain was frying live chickens outside the restaurant.