CHATSWORTH, CA—Amy Haversheim, self-described professional dumpster diver and vegan, was searching through dumpsters behind Amazon when she discovered a skeleton and two mangled bodies amongst piles of Halloween decorations.
“I was digging through the pile of fake bones because I thought they would look sweet on my art car for Burning Man. But some of the bones were really heavy! At first I thought they would be helpful as a structural part of the car. We tested nailing them together, but they shattered like real bones. That’s when I told my partner Taylor, that as much as we hate the man, it was time to call the cops. The police told us Amazon could not have committed a crime and hit an Amazon easy button to order more tasers. So we decided to approach the press”
Authorities have previously ignored reports of robotic forklifts puncturing bear mace cans. Warehouse employee Marcus Williams, reported the event to authorities who offered little to help. “The robot ran into a pallet of bear mace. It was like tear gas filled the entire room. I didn’t see my buddy Steve get out. I still have nightmares. But Amazon just said that they had no record of him!”
Amazon has thus far declined to comment on Steve’s disappearance.
Upon further investigation, Amazon branded Halloween decorations were found to be actual human body parts. Fake blood bags were tested and found to be 95% corn syrup and 5% actual blood. The causes of death of the workers include asphyxiation from bear mace, forklift impalement, robot attack, shrink wrap, and most commonly being crushed under large orders.
The only recent announcement from Amazon is that this year they are foregoing the usual company turkey giveaway, stating instead that they will be giving each employee 32 pounds of ground pork medley.