LOW EARTH ORBIT—The Space Force has made its first arrest. American astronaut Kimberly Guilfoyle was arrested early yesterday after attempting to vote twice in the 2020 presidential election. Reports say then she attempted to vote twice by calling back using a stereotypical Italian accent. This, coupled with a false identity she named “Mario Spaghetti”, she attempted to cast a second vote for Joe Jorgensen.
President Trump addressed the arrest at his recent rally in Omaha. “That’s right, we went up there and kicked ass. The Space Force is tremendous. They made the arrest without firing a single proton torpedo. I say maybe rough ‘em a bit! These are space criminals. We need to lock her up!”
After the crowd stopped chanting “lock her up”, the president continued. “Did you know that President Obama gave space ISIS 2 billion dollars? That’s right. The space station is full of space terrorists! That’s what they tell me!”
Later the White House clarified the statement, claiming that the president was obviously joking and he knew that the ISS had nothing to do with the Islamic State. Bill Barr has called for the removal of all astronaut votes.
“20% of voters on the space station have committed a serious voter fraud. It is no longer safe to have a ballot box on the ISS. There could be millions of fraudulent ballots from the ISS. Instead, SpaceX will use a rocket full of armed personnel to oversee paper ballots.” A representative from SpaceX told reporters that the specialized rocket would be ready for launch as early as December.
If convicted, Kimberly could spend 10 years in the top secret intergalactic space prison on Kyorg-dak 8.
At press time, the four remaining American astronauts on the ISS were protesting the decision by refusing to eat their space dinners.