Opiate Manufacturer Perdue Pharma Pleads Guilty To Providing Patients A Good Time

Cocaine with a credit card and paper currency on the side

Purdue Pharmaceuticals was ordered to pay nearly $3 billion last week after the private opiate manufacturer settled out of court for allegedly overprescribed opiates to millions of Americans.

“The lawsuit claims that overprescribing Oxycontin is harmful for individuals without taking into account how the drug makes people feel like they are in the glowing kingdom of heaven for hours and hours,” said a lawyer for Perdue.

The suit sheds light on incentive models Purdue used to motivate doctors to go above and beyond to help patients just chill out, stop worrying so much, and pop a few pills. The lawsuit continues by arguing that doctors took exorbitant fees for medical conference panels that were essentially all expense paid tropical vacations in exchange for fulfilling a quota of Oxycontin prescriptions. This quid pro quo raised questions regarding a conflict of interest between the drug manufacturer and healthcare professionals that incentivize doctors to get their patients addicted to opiates. Reporters and others close to the lawsuit also had questions about how to transition into a career in healthcare in order to attend these festive panels in the future.

“Too many young Americans have lost their lives to opiate addictions,” said the prosecutor James Prude. The prosecutor conceded that the actual euphoria provided by the drugs “isn’t what they’re suing for exactly”.

“We just think there were predatory tactics used to get doctors to overprescribe and users hooked. Some of the worst unproductive doctors who failed to meet their sales quota and were disinvited from the paradise medical conferences testified against Purdue,” he continued.

At press time, Purdue’s new Oxycontin mascot “Pill Phil” was handing out Purdue branded pill bottles that doubled as shot glasses.

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