WALL STREET—Late Saturday the American economy, visibly depressed and in need of stimulation, sent a desperate text to Congress begging for a cash injection into its most vulnerable industries.
Congress read the message before ghosting the economy who immediately regretted sending the text, telling reporters in a surprisingly candid interview, “I consider myself a rather classy economy, but something about Congress just makes me wanna get pumped full of liquid securities. After the $2.2 Trillion CARES act, no amount of spending, production, or even foreign investment will satisfy me. With all the lockdowns I haven’t had a decent bailout in months! I’m known for my independence in a lot of ways but I’m not ashamed in saying that I have demands that only congress can supply,” said the Economy, biting its lip.
Congressional majority leader Mitch McConnell submitted a public response to the Economy’s advances, “We, the members of Congress have come to a bipartisan consensus that we are in love with the American Economy. That said, we fear the Economy is only interested in us for our massive infusions of capital. Until it can commit to a more mature long term relationship, we are confident that the Economy will do just fine stimulating itself.”
The drama continued into Monday as over 50 senators were seen visiting various industrial factories in the early hours of the morning to console the Economy after it appeared jealous of Congress’ policies toward the Chinese Economy.