PALO ALTO, CA—In one of the most catastrophic Silicon Valley startup debacles in recent memory, Theranos’ founder and ex-CEO Elizabeth Holmes is being criminally charged in California for defrauding investors among other felony charges. According to Business Outsider reporters, her lawyers may take a novel approach to defend the actions she took while she was CEO of the now bankrupt startup by claiming that she is a psychopathic narcissist without the capacity to feel anything or comprehend others’ existences.
“Look, we understand that from an outsider’s perspective looking into this case, it may seem rational that Ms. Holmes is guilty of the crimes she is being charged with,” said Holmes’ lawyer, a partner at a private criminal defense law firm based in New York City. “However, we intend to show that the actions that the prosecutors are alleging Holmes took were done solely because of her mental state. As a narcissist, she was unable to understand nor comprehend the idea of fraud, which ultimately explains why she took hundreds of millions of dollars from investors without having any novel scientific breakthroughs to base her company’s mission on. Also, I mean come on, just look into her eyes for like three or four seconds. She’s clearly insane. Anyone that would give her money is a total idiot and deserves to have lost their money.”
Sources close to Holmes stated that the defense’s strategy is not common, but may be the best option at this point.
“I worked directly under Elizabeth for over 4 years,” said an anonymous engineer that was working on Theranos’ defunct blood sampling machines. “And that lawyer is totally right. I remember every morning she would literally drive her car up to the entrance of the building and throw the keys at me and tell me to park it. I think she thought I was the valet or something. She never called me by my real name, and only recognized me in brief moments between her two to three hour monologues about blood, the military, and analogies about Roman emperors.”
At press time, Holmes’ defense team had added another factor to their strategy by claiming that Holmes was not only mentally unstable, but that her eyes were so magnetic that she was physically coerced by her own mental instability into lying to investors.