At Apple’s highly anticipated iPhone launch event, Tim Cook announced that the newest iPhone 12 camera will make even your beastly face appear nearly fuckable.
Cook explained, “The A14 bionic chip combines machine learning with raw computational power to determine exactly how to change your appearance to maximize your screwability by up to 50%. From removing unsightly blemishes to adding a stylish ascot, the iPhone’s camera now brings out the best in you – to bring the best into you.” Cook proceeded to demonstrate the feature live by taking a selfie, “Notice that the algorithm has brightened the blue in my eyes and enlarged the Apple logo on my shirt. The algorithm has even added the words ‘Apple CEO’ under the Apple logo because it knows to show off my best features and make me look absolutely tantalizing. But I’m practically a sex magnet already, this feature will improve the average iPhone user’s life dramatically. Imagine a future where those who sleep with you are only a little ashamed to show your picture to their friends. With iPhone 12, that future is now.”
This revolutionary technology is the result of years of research and development. Business Outsider journalists spoke with Apple engineer John Anderson who led the project, “It’s tough to know what makes someone appear more shag-worthy, especially for us engineers. At first we had some shake-ups finding the right data to train the neural network so for a while the camera just replaced everyone’s face with Ron Jeremy, the porn actor. At that point, we started from the ground up but the current iteration is our best yet. There’s still room for improvement, but hey, it worked on me!” Reporters confirmed that John Anderson looks like a total gargoyle, surprising considering his picture seen below which was taken on an iPhone 12.
According to Apple’s website, the new feature will only be available on Pro models, while the standard models will edit a newborn baby and a wedding ring into every selfie.