New Tesla Model Uses Your Fat Stores To Reach Its Destination

Pictured: A non-public presentation slide from Tesla’s research team on the new fat-powered Tesla

As part of a larger effort to accelerate the world’s transition to renewable energy, Tesla (NASDAQ: TSLA) today announced that they will be scrapping a previous model that was powered by a single AA battery, and instead releasing a ketone-powered model. The model, tentatively known as Tesla Keto, will utilize the driver’s abdominal port to allow the vehicle access to the user’s fat stores.

“We thought there was a massive energy crisis until we realized that the only thing more environmentally friendly than electricity is triglycerides, which are abundant in over 85% of American bodies,” Elon Musk explained in a recent demo of the new technology.

Musk went into depth on the revolutionary technology that would be used in the new model.

“For over a century, humans have only been using carbohydrates and gasoline as a transportation energy source,” he observed. “Each gram of carbs contains four calories, while each gram of fat contains nine calories. It’s obvious which macronutrient is more energy efficient. The American gut is the most potent source of energy ever known… and it’s made of pure fat.”

As reporters entered the parking lot to walk to their vehicles, Joe Rogan was spotted doing donuts with his new Tesla Keto. The port was plugged into his assistant Jamie, who was sitting unconscious in the passenger seat.

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