“Amazon Time” Now Promises Previous Day Delivery

Amazon has released its new premium feature, previous day delivery. This comes after community complaints of Amazon Prime no longer honoring 2-day delivery. This introduction is a surprise to many who’ve been following Amazon closely, as project completion has come far ahead of schedule.

“We are so excited to announce Amazon Time! When we were carefully skimming through the audio recorded by Amazon Alexas, we found that our customers were most frustrated during the exhausting day-long gap between the ordering and delivery of the product. We knew we had to innovate and really change the game,” said Lead Temporal Engineer Martin McFly in a recent press release.

“Traditionally a customer has to arduously determine what product they want, where to purchase it, and then wait for delivery. We thought: ‘What if we reversed the process?’ By the time you realize you want the product, it’s already too late. With Amazon Time, we have successfully eliminated waiting entirely and that pesky chore of choosing what to buy,” he continued.

Despite the groundbreaking technological achievement of the new service, reviews of Amazon Time are thus far mixed.

“I love knitting and I get a monthly shipment of yarn. Now that I’ve upgraded to amazon Time, every delivery gives me confidence that amazon knows I’ll be alive for at least another month,” commented Sarah Connor, an 89-year-old from Wisconsin. Another customer, 17-year-old Ted Logan, was excited to learn that he was going to start shaving after he received a six-pack of razors in the mail.

By contrast, 23-year-old Rose Tyler was forced to break off her engagement when her fiancé received herpes medication before leaving for his Las Vegas bachelor party.

At press time, Amazon’s engineers were reportedly researching new upgrades to the service, including strategies to instantaneously create alternate universes where customers would never be unsatisfied with their orders, before or after they themselves decided to place them.

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