WASHINGTON—In the wake of an inevitable economic crash not seen since the Great Depression, Federal Reserve Chairperson Jerome Powell released a memo begging businesses to collect furniture from the Board of Governors’ office in order to mitigate the pandemic’s disastrous effects.
“As all of you know, we are living in unprecedented times, which calls for unprecedented measures,” Powell solemnly stated. “Which is why, starting October 15th, the Board of Governors will be hosting a yard sale. We need customers, because many American businesses are having trouble staying afloat, including the Board of Governors. We’ll have a variety of items, from clothing, to old video game systems, to American dollars, which will soon become sought-after keepsakes of what this nation used to be.”
When reporters came in for an in person interview, Powell was visibly distressed.
“Think of the people who work here. Think of the board members who run the country. And most importantly of all, think of the children. They will never get to take a bite out of a warm, juicy, Wagyu steak. All because the Board of Governors couldn’t even put food on the table for their families,” he sniffled. “F-fall is rapidly descending upon us. It’s going to get cold. At least if things don’t s-s-sell we can burn them for warmth. If you really want it we can negotiate, just please —”
At press time, Vice Chair Richard Clarida was screaming on the phone at Leonard R. Olijar, Director of the Bureau of Engraving and Printing to “…print more money you worthless fuckwits!” in an effort to create a massive bonfire that would warm the building.