Trump’s Doctor Solemnly Announces Long And Difficult Recovery For Stock Market

WALTER REED MEDICAL CENTER—President Trump’s doctor Sean Conley confirmed the fear lingering in the minds of many Americans when on Sunday he announced a long and difficult recovery for the stock market.

Dr. Conley stood out front of Walter Reed hospitals as he read a prepared statement regarding the health of the stock market, “We’ve done everything we can so far. The market has reacted positively to an experimental stimulus bill, but the medical community has yet to reach consensus on the long term effects of such a treatment. Now that the president has contracted COVID, the market’s prognosis has been thrown back into question. All we can say for sure is that we are still not on a clear path to a full recovery.”

After the president was checked into the hospital, thousands of cards began showing up in the hospital’s mailbox inscribed were messages wishing the S&P500 a full and speedy recovery. President Trump replied to the letters with video shot from his hospital bed, “I thank you all for keeping my stock market in your thoughts and in your prayers. This is going to be a tough battle, but I’m going to fight it, and you know I’m a fighter. I’m a fighter and I’m a winner! I’m a warrior and I’m going to win it and I’m going to fight it because I’m a winner…”

He rambled on about winning and fighting for another minute, his mental state clearly affected by the disease. 

Doctors are closely monitoring stock prices and have set up screens displaying price charts next to the president’s bed. Early Monday, doctors accidentally began emergency procedures on President Trump after confusing a flatlined stock price chart with an EKG monitor.

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