Monsanto Acquires Dr. Bronner’s Natural Products, Promising Products Will Be 3 Times More Natural

Pictured: Monsanto CEO Hugh Grant after a spiritual celebration following the Ag Giant’s acquisition of Dr. Bronner’s Natural Products

Amidst a backdrop of accusations regarding the safety and ethics of Monsanto products, the agriculture supergiant today acquired Dr. Bronner’s Natural Products. The acquisition was followed by an announcement of the release of a new extra-natural corn and soy scented soap line, altering the original formula which had previously been unchanged since its invention by Emanuial Bronner in 1948.

“I can’t believe this!” exclaimed Tanishi Hewitt, a small organic maple farmer in rural Vermont. “Did they even read the Bronner’s soap bottle? It is basically a manifesto to take down Monsanto,” he added, referring to the extensive text on “Dr. Bronner’s Commitment to Spaceship Earth.” 

“I just feel that as a company we have been misunderstood, man,” said Monsanto CEO Hugh Grant sipping a kombucha and lighting a Cheech and Chong style joint. “You try so hard to do right by the public, and everyone turns on you. It’s the man keeping us down, you know? Like, organic? What does organic even mean? If it grows, it’s organic. If it contains carbon, it’s organic. You know what grows and contains carbon? Monsanto Self-Terminating seeds, now with a 30 day pre-treatment of Round UpTM. Why can’t we include some of that goodness in our mission for regenerative organic agriculture?”

The news comes weeks after the annual Burning Man festival in Arizona’s Blackrock desert, canceled this year due to the COVID-19 pandemic. A disappointed Grant commented: “I’m really bummed I’ll have to miss the human car wash.” referencing a Doctor Bronner’s sponsored event in which naked participants walk through a tunnel where they are hand washed by volunteers. “This year will be the first year I miss it. In fact, it is what inspired me to look into acquiring Dr. Bronners in the first place. It’s always the highlight of the burn[ing man festival].”

At press time, Grant was seen rubbing his matted hair with new Dr. Bronner’s Super-Natural Corn Essenced Dread Wax.

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