Hundreds Dead After Jim Cramer Smashes Buttons In Air Traffic Control While Shouting: “Sell!”

Hundreds were killed in a disastrous multi-plane wreckage Monday after Jim Cramer started smashing buttons while talking stocks in the LAX air traffic control booth.

“Look at Sizzler, I always liked Sizzler. Nice cheap steakhouse with a 62 year legacy! Their CEO releases a statement yesterday saying they can’t pay the rent ’cause of COVID. I think they’re headed for big trouble in the near term and you need to sell right now!” ranted a sweating Cramer while he pushed whichever button looked the biggest on a nearby control panel.

Macy Dupont was on the ground as she watched the nightmare unfold. “One plane climbed higher and higher and higher while the other dove, nearly hitting the ground. Then suddenly they both changed course and started heading straight toward each other till they collided. I don’t see why the pilots just blindly listened to whoever was in the control tower when they were so clearly putting their passengers in danger. Then I looked up into the control tower and saw a man flailing his arms around. How can I trust the airlines after something like this?”

“I love Jim Cramer, he’s never led me wrong when it comes to the markets,” said crash survivor Jared Osterlind via a written note, unable to speak due to his punctured lung, “When he gives stock tips they don’t sound like stock tips. He gives context to the market conditions and lends his experience to help me make better investment choices.” Jim Cramer later visited Mr. Osterlind in his hospital room but was soon hauled out by security after pulling a fire alarm during a rant about dividend stocks.

At press time, Mr. Cramer was recommending that Mad Money viewers buy into the airlines which had fallen over 35% following the historic catastrophe.

Leave a Reply