LOS ANGELES, CA—The bidding is over, and Oracle (NYSE: ORCL) has won the opportunity to purchase U.S. operations of China-owned social media company TikTok. The boring giant Oracle managed to persist through the not-interested vibes of everyone at TikTok to become the last company standing. According to those involved, no one at TikTok is exactly happy with the deal. Business Outsider reporters attempted to conduct an interview Friday with TikTok’s new interim CEO Vanessa Pappas, but due to circumstance, had to shout the interview through the crack under her door.
“Ugh! Why does it have to be Oracle?!” she screamed before crying uncontrollably into the pillow in her room, “I hate Oracle! I hate it! It’s old and stupid and boring. Why couldn’t it have been Facebook? Why doesn’t Facebook want to buy us?”
The truth is, since faced with the ultimatum to sell, TikTok has not exactly had the pick of the litter when it comes to would-be buyers. A deal with Microsoft fell through last week, and although Microsoft objectively sucks as a company, Pappas conceded “…at least they do Xbox…” Now with the latest development of database “dildos” Oracle Corp sweeping in, Vanessa is inconsolable.
TikTok’s parent company, the Beijing-based ByteDance Ltd., told Business Outsider that it thinks Oracle and Vanessa would get along “just fine”, and that the deal might even be “good for her.” When asked what they would do if Vanessa refused to come out of her room and sign the legal papers, ByteDance said they would eventually change the WiFi password.
Since our interview, Vanessa has made no public statements, but remains active on TikTok where she is doing sad song video duets with low-tier celebrities.