BlackRock Takes $2B Position In Company After CEO Sees Facebook Post Reading: “$SHLL To The Moon!!!”

By Americasroof at English Wikipedia, CC BY-SA 3.0, https://commons.wikimedia.org/w/index.php?curid=11328699

NEW YORK CITY—Global asset manager BlackRock has taken a substantial position in the largely unknown company Tortoise Acquisition Corporation (NYSE: SHLL) after Louisiana man Gabriel O’Connor gave the stock a “strong buy” rating on the well-respected Facebook stock market discussion group “Robinhood Trading”. The executive leadership team at BlackRock, who manage over seven trillion dollars in assets for the largest pension funds and governments worldwide, was excited to come across the report of the company. The stock had apparently been totally overlooked by the firm’s internal servers which process over 50,000 petabytes of data per second to inform and carry out BlackRock’s investments.

“I don’t know how we’ve overlooked this absolute no-brainer of a trade, but I guess that’s why our time as executive officers of one of the largest funds in existence is best spent reading tips in stock discussion groups on Facebook. There are some real hidden gems out there that our near-sentient AI investment algorithm can’t identify. Our in-house think tank of MIT and Stanford grads who do nothing but analyze companies all day sometimes let a good buying opportunity fall through the cracks,” said BlackRock CEO Larry Fink in an interview with Business Outsider, adding that he had reached out to the man who posted the recommendation to try and recruit him to a senior portfolio management position. Mr. O’Connor accepted the offer, adding “This is great and all, but what is BlackRock anyway? Don’t you do real estate or something like that?”

At press time, the CEO at BlackRock had fired 90% of BlackRock’s AI-driven investment team, and put O’Connor, a front-end web designer with a suspended driver’s license, in charge of their investments instead.

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