Elon Musk Announces Teslas Will Now Run On Single AA Battery

At the highly anticipated Battery Day event, Tesla CEO Elon Musk announced that starting in 2022 Tesla cars would run on a single Duracell AA battery.

“This is the start of a revolution in the way the world thinks about electric vehicles,” said Musk, wearing a Duracell branded tee shirt, “What people don’t understand is just how difficult it is to build batteries at the scale we need. I had the idea of just using AA’s since they already the world’s most popular battery, I mean everyone has them. To celebrate this new era, we’re announcing a brand new slogan: Tesla, batteries not included.” The crowd of shareholders who were socially distancing in their cars honked approvingly in response to the news.

Next, Tesla’s SVP of Powertrain and Energy Engineering Drew Baglino explained some of the benefits of the new system. “These batteries will open the door to pretty much infinite range. Each fresh battery will get you three-, maybe even four-hundred feet down the road. So as long as you have enough batteries in the trunk, there’s no limit to how far you can go. As an added bonus, by eliminating the giant rechargeable Lithium-ion battery we’ve been able to cut both the weight and the price of a Tesla in half.”

Elon then took over and narrated a computer animation of the new 1.5 Volt battery system, “As you can see, the battery will be placed in the steering wheel where it’s not only convenient, but also is an integral part of the car’s design. Without the battery installed, the wheel feels light and unsubstantial, but after you put that AA in it really gives it some heft.” 

The event concluded with Musk demonstrating the new concept car live, but getting flustered when the car didn’t start. This was resolved when Mr. Baglino pointed out that Elon had put the battery in backwards.

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